A Declaration of Principles (That Will Almost Certainly Come Back To Bite Me In the Ass)

Not learning from Charles Foster Kane's mistakes

Hello! I’m glad you’re here.

It seems like I should try to answer the question: “What the fuck is this thing?” Or better yet: “Why the fuck is this thing?” Why do this?

The honest answer is: money. I’d love to give you a different answer, but that answer would be bullshit. If I went on a diatribe about how what the world needs now is me — ME! — and my stupid blog, would you believe me? If you would believe me, then please Venmo me all of your money right away. Because you are such a doe-eyed naif that someone is going to clean you out, and I would like that person to be me, please.

Of course, even though my goal is to spend my days lounging in an infinity pool tossing wadded bills at servants who provide me with a level of care that would embarrass and infant, that doesn’t mean I can’t have principles. So, let me spell out those principles. I will make at least a 1/16th-assed effort to do the following things. In the words of Bart Simpson: “I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.”

1. I’ll try to be curious. Because if I’m not going to be intellectually curious, then why bother doing this? If I’m not going to even try to cover new ground, then I should write a blog about hamster care, or Hegelian themes in the Earnest Goes To… movies, or one of the billion other topics that are probably more lucrative than the one I’ve chosen.

2. I’ll try to be honest. “Honest” here doesn’t just mean “I’ll try to avoid bare-ass-naked lies.” It also means that I’ll try to represent things as they actually are and not in a distorted way that matches my worldview. I’ll try to avoid errors of omission and misuse of social science. If I actually do this, then I should occasionally make trouble for myself, e.g. three paragraphs ago when I admitted that I’m writing this blog in the hope of getting money. Hoo boy. Already kind of regretting that one.

3. I’ll try to be funny. Time for more honesty: I’m not smart enough to make it as a pundit, and I’m not funny enough to make it as a comedian. My Mom says that God gives everyone one special talent; I say God gave me 3/4 of two talents and also made me preternaturally awesome at Marble Madness as an act of pure Dadaist fuckery. The only justification for me being in the politics/economics/philosophy space is that I’m funnier than some of the people who hang out here. So that’s the bar: Be funnier than Michael Walzer.

I must say: It’s going to be hilarious when I violate these principles in an obvious and public way. I feel like putting these ethics in print virtually guarantees a future scenario in which a long-time confidant presents me with these principles and meekly asks “remember these?” At which point I’ll throw a glass of whiskey into the fireplace and yell “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” God, that’s gonna be great — this blog is probably worth doing just for that moment. And the money. That awesome moment and the money — that’s why I’m doing this.

And the principles.

Thanks for being here.