I saw this on a news site on Monday, and after convincing myself that it was not a prematurely emitted April 1 bit, I savored every word, and alas, every stream of mental imagery. And, of course, I publicly traded inappropriate quips with other well-intended citizens on this legit news post. But I was aware that a truly funny person would do so much better. And, lo, today you have revealed to the rest of us the Platonic Form of humor embedded here. For this, we armchair comedians thank you.
This used to be the logic behind a late night monologue: Something funny happens, everyone jokes, but at night, the pros get their turn. Kind of like shooting hoops with your friends but then you also watch an NBA game.
there was a podcast a few years back (A Typical Disgusting Display) where a few comedy writers would do weekly “Johnny jokes,” or Dave jokes or Jay Jokes or Norm jokes etc as seemed the appropriate category. I loved it, and even tried it for a few weeks with my friends.
My friends were…..polite lol but didn’t write any themselves which somewhat decreased the fun .
Right, and I meant nitpicking in the sense that this isn’t a medical article, it’s a humor piece. The incorrect terminology is at worst slightly confusing, but it doesn’t take away from the man point here.
You look at the skills involved in cornhole, and it's not far off from, say, bowling. And we take pro bowlers seriously, right? Also I think some of the mockery comes, obviously, from the name "cornhole." If they labeled it what it really is, sack-hole, I think the prestige would follow.
I actually think the risk of mistaken identity is fairly high here; imagine if you're the Maryland sheriff and you heard a bald white man had shot someone and dumped the body. Well that could be anyone, better start the police work, check cameras, get witness testimony...
Now imagine you heard a quadruple amputee shot someone and dumped the body. "Welp, let's go pick up Dayton."
And imagine Dayton driving down the road sees an out of town quadruple amputee, driving the other way, shoot someone and push them out, wouldn’t he know he’d be the prime suspect and flee the state?
"There’s a condescending, Instagram story-style way of portraying disabled people that basically treats them as inspiration fodder — they’re not just like non-disabled people, they’re better! As if a disabled person shrewdly swapped some ability in exchange for an unimpeachable moral compass."
See, once again, Forest Gump. (And I like that movie!)
Can you extend this sharp observation about human nature to other identity groups whom I've been assured are incapable of bad acts? Such as "woman kills 8 people in Tumbler Ridge" assuring us that the group increasingly committing violent acts is *women*, nothing to do with the transgender crowd as long as we don't mention it. They've suffered so much more discrimination than natal women after all.
Pro cornhole players should go by cornholio.
Ok fine but that photo raises more questions because this man is Patton Oswalt.
Don't be ridiculous. It's clearly character actor Clifton Collins Jr
Allegedly.....
This reads like a 2007 Patton Oswalt bit.
I saw this on a news site on Monday, and after convincing myself that it was not a prematurely emitted April 1 bit, I savored every word, and alas, every stream of mental imagery. And, of course, I publicly traded inappropriate quips with other well-intended citizens on this legit news post. But I was aware that a truly funny person would do so much better. And, lo, today you have revealed to the rest of us the Platonic Form of humor embedded here. For this, we armchair comedians thank you.
This used to be the logic behind a late night monologue: Something funny happens, everyone jokes, but at night, the pros get their turn. Kind of like shooting hoops with your friends but then you also watch an NBA game.
there was a podcast a few years back (A Typical Disgusting Display) where a few comedy writers would do weekly “Johnny jokes,” or Dave jokes or Jay Jokes or Norm jokes etc as seemed the appropriate category. I loved it, and even tried it for a few weeks with my friends.
My friends were…..polite lol but didn’t write any themselves which somewhat decreased the fun .
Thoroughly enjoyed this one, Jeff. There will be no questioning my annual renewal.
A woman of true taste! Thank you!
“Cornhole pro” also really sounds like an anti-gay slur that got mistranslated from another language. "
Jeff, you are the Christopher Hitchens of 2026 tabloid murders.🤣
Not to nitpick, but I don’t think he’s quadriplegic? He’s a quadruple amputee, but he has full use of his residual limbs.
Clearly this is the most important fact here.
You know, you’re right, but I think it’s too cumbersome to change now.
“Residual Limbs” is a great band name.
That’s not nitpicking at all, quadruple amputee ≠ quadriplegic. Highly different situation. The comedy stands, though.
Right, and I meant nitpicking in the sense that this isn’t a medical article, it’s a humor piece. The incorrect terminology is at worst slightly confusing, but it doesn’t take away from the man point here.
Maybe portmanteau it to "quamputee?"
After a cumbersome explanation to what that is, we'll all incorporate it into common parlance. Quamputee will be the word of the year!
He's going to be really disappointed when he finds out the type of cornhole they play in prison.
You look at the skills involved in cornhole, and it's not far off from, say, bowling. And we take pro bowlers seriously, right? Also I think some of the mockery comes, obviously, from the name "cornhole." If they labeled it what it really is, sack-hole, I think the prestige would follow.
“And we take pro bowlers seriously, right?”
Objection your honor, citing facts not in evidence
Does rewatching Lebowski count as taking bowling seriously?
Like, more serious than fuseball but less than poker? Sounds about right,
This is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules
It's toss-across, right? Only without the tic tac toe complicating the scoring?
We've come a long way since a one armed man almost got away with the murder of a doctor's wife.
WJ Hayes: this comment is good, sooo good, on so many levels.....
"You SWITCHED THE SAMPLES!"
It's like reality is being written by an AI who watches Family Guy too much.
Once ChatGPT ingests this headline, people are gonna get some weird answers to questions for a while.
I actually think the risk of mistaken identity is fairly high here; imagine if you're the Maryland sheriff and you heard a bald white man had shot someone and dumped the body. Well that could be anyone, better start the police work, check cameras, get witness testimony...
Now imagine you heard a quadruple amputee shot someone and dumped the body. "Welp, let's go pick up Dayton."
And imagine Dayton driving down the road sees an out of town quadruple amputee, driving the other way, shoot someone and push them out, wouldn’t he know he’d be the prime suspect and flee the state?
"There’s a condescending, Instagram story-style way of portraying disabled people that basically treats them as inspiration fodder — they’re not just like non-disabled people, they’re better! As if a disabled person shrewdly swapped some ability in exchange for an unimpeachable moral compass."
See, once again, Forest Gump. (And I like that movie!)
"People with disabilities are always nice." - Penny on 'The Big Bang Theory'.
Can you extend this sharp observation about human nature to other identity groups whom I've been assured are incapable of bad acts? Such as "woman kills 8 people in Tumbler Ridge" assuring us that the group increasingly committing violent acts is *women*, nothing to do with the transgender crowd as long as we don't mention it. They've suffered so much more discrimination than natal women after all.
Is he a quadriplegic? I think he’s a quadruple amputee - he has use of the remaining portions of his limbs.
Well, off work today, lets see if there’s anything on substack I can make rude jokes about…..
********reads headline****
****breaks into song*****
🎶🎶Suddenlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Life has, new meaning, to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!🎶🎶🎶