37 Comments
User's avatar
Cernunnos's avatar

"Veni, vidi, veni."

--Julius Caesar

Cernunnos's avatar

Shamelessly copped from a 90s marquee at Seattle's long-departed gentlemen's spankatorium, the Lusty Lady.

Jeff Maurer's avatar

Is that a different one from the one that had "100 beautiful girls and three ugly ones" on its marquee? Were Seattle's great satirists mostly employed writing one-liners for strip clubs?

Cernunnos's avatar

That was across the street! So yes.

Also, in the same period of time there was a dry cleaners in Wallingford whose marquee read "Drop your pants and jacket off here" -- for about half a day, before they took it down. Presumably after shocked and offended neighbors complained.

Jeff Maurer's avatar

I really miss Seattle sometimes.

AHF's avatar

Wait are you sure about that? I thought the 100 beautiful girls and 3 ugly ones was somewhere in Lake City or thereabouts.

Cernunnos's avatar

This slogan appears to be associated with the Deja Vu chain, still in operation in both locations.

AHF's avatar

About 20 years ago I was working at Safeco in Seattle and my boss told me a story about getting the carpets at his place professionally cleaned. He said the guys informed him that they hadn't seen carpets that filthy since they did a job at the Lusty Lady.

Seattle Guy's avatar

That was what I was going to post, I remember laughing at that on the Lusty Lady's readerboard. Another great one they had was "Hindsight is twenty-five cents". Cheers -

Cernunnos's avatar

For Oscar's Night: "I'd like to spank the academy!"

Alan Smith's avatar

Be honest: how much of this post was principle, and how much was a desire to make as many euphemisms and references to masturbation as possible?

Jeff Maurer's avatar

0% and 100%.

Paul Zrimsek's avatar

High time someone did for masturbation what the Dead Parrot Sketch did for death.

Pardis Beikzadeh's avatar

Maybe I just like puns about sex but this was amazing 😆

Ruari's avatar

A Lord Haw Haw reference, in 2026, from an American writing political comedy on the internet? I think Jeff must have been getting his column ideas from my Grandmother...

Jeff Maurer's avatar

My median reader is 98.

(I enjoy history and I enjoy a good deep cut!)

Ruari's avatar

If you continue on like this, next week will be a deep cut on Wallis Simpson! My Gran didn't like her much either...

JC Collins's avatar

Love this!

Jack's avatar

I remember a cracked article from like 20 years ago about life on a nuclear submarine. The best joke was that you didn't want to touch the walls of the shower because it was covered in the crusty semen of crusty seamen.

JorgeGeorge's avatar

I've always wondered why there are so many public fountains?

This post is why I subscribe! Excellent!

Dillon Eliassen's avatar

If not for post-nut clarity, Eisenhower would have never been able to devise the perfect strategy to take Normandy.

Lucidamente's avatar

Speaking of Yank, now I get the true meaning of lines 3-4 of George M. Cohan’s WWI anthem “Over There”:

Over there, over there,

Send the word, send the word, over there,

That the Yanks are coming, the Yanks are coming,

The drums rum-tumming everywhere.

Just a Random Guy's avatar

I clicked the link* for the headline, but I stayed for the old-timey euphemisms for whacking off.

*Yeah, you thought I was gonna say "came" and open myself up to more euphemisms! Not today, boys and girls! Not today!

Mariana Trench's avatar

"besides language that would get a person banished to the Marianas Trench these days"

Hey, I'm not that judgmental!

Shaun's avatar

How much of the reaching for things to take down Platner comes from the pure shock that the party who brought you "OK signs are clear and undisputable proof of white supremacy" looks at a Nazi tattoo and goes, "well, who knows what that could mean?".

Can you imagine trying to do oppo research on this guy? You already basically shot him with a nuke, so now yea, you're throwing everything at him because who the fuck knows what these people will think is too much?

Jeff Maurer's avatar

It's a really bad situation; I wish Janet Mills had been younger. The fact that Mainers are now forced to choose between this clown and a reasonable-seeming person who waves through eminently unreasonable stuff when the chips are down (e.g. RFK Jr. nomination) suggests that maybe there just aren't enough people in Maine.

Sir MeowFace's avatar

What gives them the right to criticize our service members for releasing some tension?? I’ve stroked the salami in worse places for less; so, so much less.

Kamut Maksen's avatar

The only filmmaker brave enough is Sergei Bodrov (Into the Mountains, 1996)

Jeff Jeffson's avatar

Surprised you have chamberlain on this list. You’re a techlib, don’t you view him as a degen race traitor?

Tom's avatar

"But one theory that makes sense to me is that those guys had been stuck on transport ships and trying to summit those Gibraltar-esque 1940s British gals for God knows how long"

Minor historical nitpick, but the Americans had the exact opposite problem, to the point where British troops would grouse that they were "overpaid, oversexed, and over here."

(The usual reply was that the Brits were underpaid, undersexed, and under Eisenhower.)