Bosses of the World: You Can Do This Shit via Email

Hegseth is the very model of a modern major asshole

Photo of generals from Alex Wong via Getty.

Pete Hegseth’s summit of 800 generals and admirals turned out to just be a bunch of self-aggrandizing wankery. When Hegseth summoned the military’s top brass for an in-person meeting — an unprecedented move — people assumed that something big must be afoot. Was Hegseth about to announce a strategic shift? Would he make the generals swear an oath to the president? No: Hegseth gave a speech that was basically Bobby Moynihan’s “Drunk Uncle” character mixed with the bitchiest gay guy you’ve ever met. Hegseth thinks that woke nonsense is degrading the DOD, and worse still: Soldiers be fugly these days. Hegseth decried lax grooming standards, “beardos” (his word), and unfit troops. He basically flew in four star generals from Guam and Qatar to call them a bunch of fatties.

We don’t know how the speech went down with the generals. It seems like maybe not well — the photo at the top of this article looks like a bunch of Presbyterian deacons being forced to watch hentai porn. And — though no one would expect this crowd to exhibit Showtime at the Apollo levels of demonstrativeness — my years as a stand up gave me a sixth sense for when a crowd is telepathically saying “shut the fuck up”. That seemed to be happening here. Trump basically confirmed that Hegseth bombed when he took the stage and said “I’ve never walked into a room so silent before.” Trashing your opener — just more evidence that Trump is a complete dick.

What can we learn from this? Maybe nothing. The Secretary of Defense is a nine year-old, but we already knew that. But maybe there’s a lesson here that has little to do with Trump, Hegseth, or obvious morons having command of the world’s most lethal fighting force. Maybe the lesson is just: Bosses should stop wasting their employees’ time with bullshit meetings. Hegseth’s screed could have been an email, or a Zoom call — at least on Zoom, generals could have updated their fantasy football teams while Hegseth ranted about “dudes in dresses”. Bosses who respect their employees do not waste their time publicly pontificating about big picture horseshit.

I’ve had a lot of jobs, and I’ve had a lot of bosses. Some were great, some were bad, one got arrested for stealing softcore porn VHS tapes (not John Oliver…wouldn’t that have been something, though?). Most were at least a little surprised to be The Boss; they had spent years as an underling thinking that they could do things better, then they became the boss and had to prove it. My various bosses adapted to their new role in ways that ranged from humble determination to outright megalomania, with “fear-induced flailing” being the most common disposition.

My best bosses realized that they were on the same team that they’d always been on; they were just the coach now, not the player. One person makes the plan and the other people execute that plan, it’s the same whether you’re building AI or trying to kill a mastodon with a rock. My best bosses would also gather as much information as is practical, make a clear plan, and then tell their employees to go forth. My worst bosses would turn their employees into mere witnesses to their psychological breakdown.

In my experience, bosses can be too involved or too cloistered. A too-involved boss is the type who calls meetings all the time; this is usually because they’re panicked about having to make a call, so they dither through endless information-gathering. This is narcissistic management; it devotes the group’s resources to the boss’ part of the process. It also signals disrespect to the employees, because the boss obviously doesn’t value their time, even though the employees eventually have to…ya know…go do the actual shit.

A too-cloistered boss disrespects their employees in a different way: They make decisions without asking the people on the ground for input. This signals arrogance — this is the approach for bosses who think that the key to success is being left alone with their brilliant thoughts. This type of boss will run off to their Fortress of Solitude to meditate and converse with the muses, only to emerge a week later with The Most Brilliant Plan In The Galaxy etched on parchment by a beam of pure light. Except that the plan is usually the most shit-ass stupid thing anyone’s ever seen, because the boss didn’t converse with anyone who knows stuff.

Incredibly, Hegseth managed to channel the worst aspects of each type of boss at once. First, he wasted the generals’ time by physically flying them in from East Crapistan. And then, he didn’t even ask them anything; he just made them sit there and listen to his brilliant thoughts. If someone made me fly halfway around the world so that they could plug their book and tell me to drop ten pounds, I’d be less than thrilled. The fact that none of the generals in the photo are doing the “scratching my cheek but giving you the finger” thing is a testament to the professionalism of our military.

Hegseth’s speech was just the latest episode in our national humiliation. Our Secretary of Defense is such a man-child that he thought it was dope to stand on stage and warn our enemies: “FAFO”. He also thought it would be cool for him to lecture people with dramatically more experience and success in the military than him about what it means to be a warrior. And then the president took the stage and complained about Biden using an autopen. Good stuff — totally worth the 19 hour flight from Djibouti. Hegseth might not make military history, but he just earned himself a spot in the annals of dipshit bosses who piss away their employees’ valuable time.

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