“Brat” Explained by a Veteran Journalist Who Has to Accept Whatever Assignment We Give Him
IMBW's "general issues" reporter enters a new circle of hell
This week, Benjamin Netanyahu toured the U.S., a software failure threw the global economy into chaos, and a singer called Kamala Harris “brat”. I begged my editor to assign me to one of the first two stories, but he assigned me to the “brat” story. So, I will attempt to elucidate the meaning of “brat”, place that meaning into context, and to do all that without collapsing into utter despair over the state of journalism and also my life.
“Brat” — pronounced like the word meaning “unruly child”, and not like the German sausage — is a word repurposed by a British “popular music” star known as Charli [sic] XCX. Despite the masculine first name, Ms. XCX is female, and her honorific is pronounced “ex, see, ex” — the letters do not connote Roman numerals. Last month, Ms. XCX released a record album entitled “Brat”, and The Guardian reports that “brat” also refers to “a lifestyle inspired by noughties excess.” The meaning of that phrase could not be determined as of press time.
I feel compelled to report that I consider the information in the preceding paragraph undersourced. My primary source is my grand-nephew Stewie, who was kind enough to talk to me on the phone even though he was “tripping balls on edibles”. My mentor Ben Bradlee taught me never to publish without two reliable sources, but unfortunately my contacts in the British government — which include several high-ranking cabinet ministers and a well-placed source in MI-6 — had no information on Ms. XCX. I Might Be Wrong editor Jeff Maurer told me to simply “Google it, dumbass”, but that mostly led to web pages with pop-up ads for vape pens and clothing with writing on the posterior. So, the information gleaned from Stewie will have to suffice.
On Sunday, Ms. XCX wrote that “kamala [sic] is brat”, referring to the Vice President and presumptive Democratic nominee. On TikTok.Internet, Ms. XCX explained that her coinage of “brat” refers to “a girl who is a little messy and likes to party and maybe says some dumb things sometimes.” No reporters were present to ask Ms. XCX follow-up questions, such as whether she was implying that the Vice President is dumb or suggesting that Ms. Harris has a drug problem. Ms. XCX’s representation at Bitchgasm Talent did not respond to requests for an interview. A conversation with Stewie’s “fuck friend” Galaxis also did little to clarify the parameters of the term; according to Galaxis, figures who are brat include Angela Merkel, the kid from Two and a Half Men, and Dr. Teeth from the Muppet Show Band. This information could not be independently verified.
The Harris campaign responded to Ms. XCX’s comment by changing their Twitter.WorldWideWeb banner to be lime green, because apparently “brat” is also a color. When I asked Galaxis if the green suggested a connection to Islamist movements, who frequently use green in their political imagery, bitch (Galaxis’ pronouns are “bitch/illuminate”) informed me that my question demonstrated how not-brat I am. Regardless: As of press time, the Harris campaign remains brat, and any links to Islamist organizations are unsubstantiated.
I have been unable to determine what relevance the bratness claim may have to the the presidential campaign or, really, to anything at all. When I sought direction from my editor, he suggested that I “type up some bullshit and put a picture of the hot girl at the top, ‘cause that’s the only reason people click on this shit anyway.” He offered no guidance regarding why this story was newsworthy or why I should find meaning in my work in the same way that I found meaning in the stories that I covered for 42 years with The Washington Post and Der Spiegel. God, I wish I was still at the Post. Not today’s Post — I wish I was at the Post that existed pre-internet. They had real reporters back then, and I was proud to be one of them. Now I work for a “new media” figure who mostly speaks in Borat quotes and has a poster for Jackass 2 in his office. I took this job to rekindle some sense of purpose in my life, but that purpose continues to elude me.
You know who was brat? Azita. She was a reporter for the BBC world service with whom I had an extended romance in the ‘90s. We were stationed in Sarajevo during the Balkan War, and though death and danger were all around us, those years stand out as the best of my life. Perhaps constant reminders of life’s fragility draw people together, or maybe I was just attracted to Azita’s radiant vibrance and warmth. Either way, memories of that period seems like a real life Casablanca. If I close my eyes, I can still remember Azita’s sparkling laugh, the smell of her hair, and the feel of her soft hand in mine. I should have proposed — God in heaven, why didn’t I propose?!? She was, without a doubt, the brattest woman I have ever known.
Life-altering mistakes aside, the Harris campaign has embraced the “brat” label. Left-wing social media feeds are now replete with lowercase lettering on a green backdrop, which Galaxis informs me are “a visual pastiche meant to reflect but not encapsulate the concept of brat”. Fair enough. Brat seems to be a malleable concept for individual expression. It’s less of a definable word than a versatile tool for expressing one’s feelings. So, if I may illustrate the concept:
That, I’m told, is eminently brat.
***Thanks to IMBW reader MajorSensible for suggesting this column!
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This is the only news article I've read about "brat" that made me not wish I were dead.
Oh, and by the way, it IS hilarious to photoshop fake breasts onto E.T.