Go Ahead and Ban Data Centers, You Fools: Culpeper, Virginia Will Rule You All
When one civilization falls, another rises
I’m from Virginia: I grew up near Norfolk and have been in the DC suburbs for much of my adult life. And I know that most people think that Virginians are — how do I put this? — inbred pig people wallowing in the filth of our own ignorance. Backwards, backwoods moonshine monkeys who marry our cousins and cheat on them with goats. Knuckle-dragging mud-tards whose idea of cultured evening is to get drunk on antifreeze and suck each other off in a chicken coop. These are, of course, crude stereotypes — I, personally, have never found them to be more than 75 percent true.
But it’s time to update your stereotypes of Virginia, because — far from being the banjo-strumming, pumpkin-fucking illiterates we’re assumed to be — Virginia’s labor force has the second-highest percentage of tech workers of any state. And we specialize in data centers: 13 percent of the entire world’s data center capacity is in Virginia. So: Who’s the pumpkin fucker now? I mean…still my cousin Jed, he’s insatiable, he’s been cited like 20 times and he’s decided that the fines are just the cost of doing business. But Jed also works for Nvidia and makes $200K a year, and I guess my point is: Virginia contains multitudes.
And to my delight, our competition has decided to trample their own balls: New York just passed the nation’s first statewide moratorium on data centers. Other states are considering similar laws. The populist panic against data centers seems to be growing, to which I say: Awesome, hilarious, please do more, you laughable dimwit troglo-dolts. I’ll never pay property taxes again and my kids will go to school on the International Space Station — Culpeper fucking Virginia will be the capital of the Space Age and New York City will eventually be reclaimed by weeds.
