GUEST COLUMN: I Can't Believe I Have to Work During Eclipse Week
Capitalism strikes again
***I’m planning a podcast next week about reactions, respectful disagreements, and not-so-respectful disagreements to this week’s columns. So, if you’re dying to tell me off — and research shows that most of my readers are — send an e-mail to hereswhyyousuck@gmail.com. All thoughts, questions, and soul-destroying insults welcome!***
This week, we witnessed a once-in-a-lifetime event that won’t happen for another two decades. The eclipse was remarkable, and it inspired people all over the world. Unfortunately, Marsha Flannigan-Tate — my boss — was apparently not one of them. She’s making us work during Eclipse Week like some modern-day Ebenezer Scrooge.
My company, Mercer Medical Partners, bills itself as a progressive employer. Its recruiting materials tout a “team-oriented environment” focused on “helping members of the Mercer family achieve their personal and professional goals.” Unfortunately, in the six months I’ve worked for the company, I’ve discovered that those words are just empty talk. MMP shows a blatant disregard for its employees’ needs, which has been vividly demonstrated by forcing us to work through this holiday as if we’re slaves rushing to finish a Pharaoh’s tomb.
When I first noticed this week labeled a work week on the company calendar, I assumed it was an oversight; I e-mailed HR to alert them to the error. When they informed me that there was no mistake — that we were expected to work during an occurrence that is literally the Haley’s Comet of celestial events — I was floored. Were we expected to work straight through from Easter Break to Memorial Day with no time off in between except for Spring Break, Passover Weekend, and May Day? I got on an employees-only Slack channel and learned that I wasn’t the only person in disbelief.
The next day, I marched into my boss’ office to express my dismay. I talked for 20 minutes — Marsha barely said anything. And a little while after I left, this e-mail went out:
I couldn’t believe it: They were giving us 2.5 hours off even though the totality band was more than four hours away! How were we supposed to get there and back in the time the company allotted? Plus: We had to buy our own cupcakes? Thanks a lot, cheapskates! I didn’t realize I worked for the Triangle Shirtwaist Company. I marched straight into Marsha’s office to complain again.
This time, Marsha pushed back. She reminded me that we work for a medical consulting company that provides real-time information to hospitals and nursing homes (e.g. how to properly administer medicine, how to troubleshoot malfunctioning medical equipment, that sort of thing). I guess in her mind, that justifies driving us like sled dogs in the Iditarod. We argued for two hours. But I guess she wasn’t really listening, because afterwards, she thought she could buy us off with this:
Yes, you read right: buses. This from a company doing business in 2024! I shrieked when I read that — I literally shrieked, started crying, and peed myself a bit. I organized a group to march into Marsha’s office to tell her how abelists she was being. And she had the gaul to pretend to not know that some people can’t ride buses — as if I haven’t told her a million times about my tender skeleton syndrome! It makes me nauseous around any large objects! Also, Paul has Rhodesian arthritis (aka “Tiny Tim’s Disease”), which means that if he has to sit with his legs folded, his knees might explode. And they expected us to take these buses! Why not just shove dynamite down our throats, light it, and tell our families we died in a sex game gone wrong? Because that’s basically the same thing.
Making us work this week is a clear violation of international law. The fact that Mercer Medical Partners is still allowed to operate despite these egregious labor violations is the latest betrayal of low-income workers by President Biden, and I don’t think I can bring myself to vote for him. MMP might think they can keep us happy with above-average pay, health, dental, and vision benefits, three weeks of paid vacation a year, eight months of paid maternity leave, holiday bonuses, flex-work, a five-star on-site cafeteria, gym, climbing wall, daycare center, dog run, walkable campus with ample greenspace, free drinks, free snacks, Friday waffle bar, and in-office juice concierge. But that window dressing doesn’t change the fact that this office is basically a coal mine mixed with a turn-of-the-century sweatshop.
I am implementing a campaign of passive resistance this week. I will not work, not even to respond to this e-mail titled “URGENT: ALLERGIC REACTION TO MEDICATION!!!” I am also writing this column on company time using company equipment. I have spit in the kitchen coffee pot, removed all the toilet paper from the bathrooms, and parked my car horizontally across three disability-accessible parking spaces. I will not take this injustice lying down! And if they try to make me work on my cat’s birthday next week, I think I’ll threaten to quit.
The JK Rowling/Scottish Hate Crimes Law Kerfuffle, But With Jokes
JK Rowling is the author of stories about a little demon boy who has the magical power to keep Warner Brothers Pictures afloat via endless sequels and spinoffs. Long an outspoken advocate for women’s rights, in recent years, Rowling has criticized the encroachment of trans women into certain women-only spaces. Basically, she has spent her 50s the way most people do: Fighting with strangers online. She just happens to have 14 million followers and has had more influence on Gen Y than their parents and ABC’s Friday night lineup combined.
 | A guest post by
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I know this is satire, but the things that are seen as egregious violations by the generation entering the workforce are a great sign for progress - as a society we've slayed all the real dragons, so now we're just stomping the hell out of every salamander in sight. I feel like you can measure the increase in quality of life by the increasingly nonsensical things that are labeled as horrific injustices.
"All right! But apart from above-average pay, health, dental, and vision benefits, three weeks of paid vacation a year, eight months of paid maternity leave, holiday bonuses, flex-work, a five-star on-site cafeteria, gym, climbing wall, daycare center, dog run, walkable campus with ample greenspace, free drinks, free snacks, Friday waffle bar, and in-office juice concierge, what has MMP EVER done for us?!?"