How About "No Tax on Anyone Who Nails a Shot From Half Court"?

The logical next step in populist tax cut mania

This week, two Democratic senators unveiled tax plans that substantially raise the amount of money a person could earn before federal income tax kicks in. These plans tacitly acknowledge that voters resent government-to-citizen transfers when they’re considered “welfare”, but are tickled to orgasm when you call the transfer a “tax cut”.

MAGA, of course, has fully embraced bespoke tax cuts designed to win votes. “No tax on tips” and “no tax on overtime” are already law, and there are movements to eliminate taxes on property and social security. Trump spent the campaign traveling around the country, pointing to things, and saying “no tax on that”, and Democrats are quite explicitly trying to steal Trump’s populist tax cut thunder.

But is this what Americans want? People will surely be disappointed when they realize that the Democrats’ plans don’t reduce all taxes, but rather federal income tax, which is currently only about 2.4% for a middle class household (payroll taxes and sales taxes are more). And most low-wage workers get nothing from no tax on tips, and few of them own property. Why are only some people are exempt? And why are we nibbling around the edges of the tax code instead of offering a life-altering, one-time shot at glory using tried and true methods engineered by pro sports?

So, let’s do this the right way: every single American. Half court. One regulation NBA ball, one regulation hoop. One shot, no do-overs — if your toe is over the line, tough shit, tell your sob story to H&R Block. But if you make the shot, you don’t pay any taxes, ever. And if you call “bank” and bank it in, you also get free Taco Bell for life.

How is this any dumber than our current trend towards giving random tax breaks to politically favored groups? We benefit tipped workers over salaried workers, property owners over renters, and farmers over everybody. We have an unnecessarily complex system based on deductions and brackets that inadvertently benefits whoever happens to be in whatever weird Goldilocks Zone our tax code creates. At least shooting a basketball from half court involves skill. And you’d have agency. Some people will have in-and-out shots that will haunt them for the rest of their lives, but most of us will miss by a mile and think “the system is tough but fair”.

I’m open to debate about different methods. Maybe instead of a half court shot, it should be a putt from 50 yards, or a series of hundred-person Boggle tournaments in which the winner takes all the marbles. Maybe you should get to take one step across half court for each year over 60, so a 100 year-old would basically be right under the net — I’d like to see the Congressional Budget Office scoring on that. Let’s get the conversation started — should it be Jenga? Skee-ball? Some American Gladiators-type thing where the Treasury Secretary shoots you with a tennis ball cannon? These are the kinds of conversations that an advanced nation should be having.

Admittedly, billionaires could present a problem. If a few big-payers drain their shots, we’d turn into Namibia overnight, budget-wise. So, I propose that at $10 million increments in income, we add environmental factors: Flashing lights, “Y’all Ready for This?” by 2 Unlimited played at ear-splitting levels, possibly a doe-eyed five-year old toddling up and saying “Daddy?” right before they shoot. The good news is that most billionaires are uncoordinated dweebs — I doubt Bill Gates will even get the ball to the rim. And this will at least be one part of the tax system where the ultra-rich can’t hire an army of accountants and money managers to help them.

Politicians seem to be turning to tax cuts to mitigate the effects of higher prices. They could reduce prices by passing measures to increase supply, but they keep circling back to populist dumbassery that makes things more expensive. Voters don’t like that, so politicians give them tax cuts, which, if not paid for — and they’re rarely paid for — creates upward pressure on prices. Which leads to politicians passing more tax cuts, which drives up prices, and on and on. Meanwhile, the deficit gets larger, which — stop me if you’ve heard this one — drives up prices. At some point, a responsible politician will say “this is madness”, and that politician will probably either lose by 40 points or be pelted to death with rotten fruit.

So, fuck it, let’s embrace the madness. Get to the Y and start practicing — your financial future depends on it. We seem to have given up on having a tax code that’s logical, simple, or fair, so let’s at least have one that’s fun. I predict 500 electoral votes for any candidate who embraces my plan. And if you’re thinking “this whole idea is idiotic”, you’re exactly right, and that’s how I know it will be popular.

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