How "I Might Be Wrong" Will Change Now That Our USAID Funding Has Been Cut Off
Damn you, DOGE!
Donald Trump and Elon Musk believe that USAID is funding radical left-wing media outlets. They’ve claimed that USAID is funding news outlets so that they will “destroy the MAGA movement”. These claims seem to stem from not understanding the difference between Politico — which is a publication — and Politico Pro, which is a tools packet used by Washington’s most unsalvageable dweebs. Also, someone typed “New York” into a search engine when they should have typed “New York Times”, shit their pants over what they thought they found, and then the world’s richest man retweeted the error before his own platform could correct him. None of these mistakes have slowed the narrative that USAID is a “money laundering” operation fueling Marxist propaganda.
I can’t speak for every dollar of USAID funding, but I can tell my readers this: I Might Be Wrong does not receive any money from USAID. At least, not since our $200,000 weekly check failed to arrive on Monday. We have been cut off, and the effects on I Might Be Wrong’s efforts to warp our readers’ minds with anti-American bile will be severe.
Curse your clever hides, DOGE! Your withholding of payment is a blatant violation of IMBW’s contract with USAID that obliges them to provide $10.2 million annually so that we may produce “perverted musings to promote Satanism and the destruction of the white race”. I doubt anyone would argue that I Might Be Wrong has failed to deliver on our end of the bargain. DOGE will be hearing from IMBW’s lawyer just as soon as he is released from an Israeli prison in the next exchange.
In the meantime, though, our readers deserve to know how this change will affect our news coverage and our many projects to corrupt and, if possible, destroy American children. Here are the changes that are ahead:
Our twelve part series on the sexual prowess of Josef Stalin is discontinued.
As part of IMBW’s effort to demonstrate how communist supermen are capable of feats beyond the limits of those bound by capitalist chains, we recently introduced a monthly feature devoted to Dear Leader Josef Stalin’s erotic exploits. This immaculately researched and disgustingly graphic history of Stalin’s sex life — from his first self-induced climax in a Georgian wheat field to his death atop 20 satisfied and grateful mistresses in 1953 — was the crown jewel in our effort to associate American capitalism with flaccid impotence. The full-color illustrations by Gerhard Richter that accompany the series are some of IMBW’s finest graphic work. The audiobook read by Doris Kearns Goodwin has become a sensation. But all of that fine work must stop before we even reach the point in the story where Stalin’s glorious penis cures Eleanor Roosevelt of her lesbianism.
So: “Chapter 9: Repopulating The Nation Through The People’s Reverse Gang Bang” will be the last in the series. Barring some reversal of fortune, we will be unable to recount tales of how one glimpse of Stalin’s dazzling member convinced Eastern Europe to form the Warsaw Pact, or how Stalin coaxed state secrets from Bess Truman with a move he called “The Hydrogen Dong”. We consider the fact that we will be unable to share these tales with the world truly tragic, and DOGE is solely to blame.
The 5K “fun run” that IMBW co-sponsors with Boko Haram is cancelled.
For the past decade, IMBW has been proud to sponsor an event to raise money and awareness for the Boko Haram terrorist network. The celebration typically includes a bake-off, a dunk tank featuring a “celebrity guest Jew”, and instructional IED-building courses for kids. We are crestfallen to have to cancel this even just before our big “Bring the Girls Who Were Brought Back Back to Boko Haram” push, but financial reality leaves us no choice.
Our French Riviera Luxury Abortion Cruise will be greatly reduced.
Last fall, we announced that select IMBW readers would be chosen to receive two weeks of complimentary spa treatments, meals from Michelin star chefs, and limitless abortions as they cruise the French Riviera in our “Jewel of the First Trimester” luxury ocean liner. Spots were awarded to 500 women who wrote outstanding essays on the topic: “Why my elite career leaves me too busy to nurture children or even use regular contraception.”
Unfortunately, this cruise is no longer feasible. Instead of a luxury cruise in the Mediterranean, ten women will now take a two-day canal boat trip from Toledo, Ohio to Logansport, Indiana. Chex Mix and Taco Time may be served. A box of Mifepristone is in the cupboard and let’s just say that no one is going to check to see if it’s still there when the trip is done. This is far from the white glove experience we hoped to provide, but the eagle-eyed vigilantes at DOGE have busted us cold.
Also, the Trans-Alpine Transgender Surgery for Tots Tour is cancelled.
The Glorious Proletariat Uprising has been scaled back to using all the ketchup and straws at the McDonald’s on 17th & H in DC.
We hoped that May 1 would see the righteous uprising of the proletariat against their capitalist exploiters. We were really jazzed — we thought this would finally be the year! But now we’re forced to postpone the uprising for the 278th year in a row.
Instead, we’re planning a more targeted action against a potent symbol of capitalism: The McDonald’s that’s kind of near the White House in Washington, DC. On an unspecified date in the near future, IMBW’s “Chaos Squad” will descend on the McDonald’s, order a single apple pie, and completely trash the condiments and accessories station. We will steal the ketchup, we will repatriate every last straw, and we might even liberate the napkins if there’s time. Sure, McDonald’s will probably restock — probably as soon as we leave — but we will have struck the mightiest blow we can given our resources. And we will redistribute the ketchup and straws to the homeless population of DC.
This is not how we wanted things to go. We are crushed to have to discontinue our work before achieving our core goals, like destroying the nuclear family and normalizing hard drug use among kids. But we have no choice; the USAID teat has run dry. If our project of corroding American values is to continue, we’ll need to find a funding source outside of DOGE’s ever vigilant gaze.
Taco Time! Washingtonians represent
I've been fearing this development for weeks now from some of my favorite left-wing content providers. But I never thought it would hit IMBW first. I'm gonna miss that Stalin series.