If You Had Let Me...Let Me, With Regards to the...the Running of a Term, Second Term, Second Time, Time Again, Tim, Run for a Popular...I Woulda Won!
By Joe Biden
Donald Trump has won a second term. I don’t need to tell you what that meant…what that means…means for working families, minorities, and all the purple — the people — the purple out there struggling to make…make it to their paycheck. With their paycheck. Struggling paycheck to paycheck. There’s a lot of folks…folks in the…folks are the place — in the places. … Look.
My VyPresident Kamala Harper ran a great campaign. This isn’t on her. But I feel that Democrats, my party — look, I’ve been a Democrat, office as a Democrat, served in the…the Senator…1970s! And we made a mistake. A strategic one. I coulda run. I was ready. But some in my people felt the push to need me aside. But here’s the truth: If I had run, I know with all the bone, all my body — feel with every bone deep in my body that I would have beat, bees, beekeeping — beekeeper’s bonnet I woulda beat that guy!
… … …
Donald Trump!
Because look: I had a great first term. Best economy since Covid. Manufacturing jobs — Taiwan and Formosa, jobs coming home, for single moms struggling to put a paycheck — get a paycheck, a pocket, paycheck and a pocket…struggling moms want to put a paycheck up their pocket. I did that. And look: I had a bad night. But I’m fine. Ask any doctor: I’m as ham as I ever did, and I was Rudy and anal to serve four more terms as Protestant of the United Steaks!
Because look: This is about the Armenian…American people. People like this woman, a young black…that I met in Michigan. First in her family to go to college. But she struggled to pay, struggled with the…the money for the…the cabbage look it’s too expensive! And we gotta beat Medicare! And in my administration, we did! And when I look at the garbage being spewed by that guy…Donald Trump…and his supporters of hate, the hateful, hate-filled…hate the hats of his supporters and I do. I do hate their hats.
Who are you?
Because look: This isn’t about me. This is about people like I grew up with in Scranton. Pennsylvania. There was a drug dealer there named Corn Hole. He drove a Studebaker with the chromed-out rims like in the movie Jaws. One day, he got tough with me and I said look: This isn’t about me. This is about the Armenian, the American…the Armenian — look, there’s too many Armenians! And Corn Hole can fix that! And in my administration, we did. But the working wet, the…it’s wet out there, very working, the wet whale lotta single moms very wet these days. And we did.
What’s burning? Get that toast, toast in here. You smell that?
Anyway.
Look, here’s the deal. We’ve got four more years of Daryl Trump. And my mom, Kamala Harrison, ran a great campaign. But I coulda beat Trump, I coulda beaten him off, hard. And I did. And I worry about what that man, Turnip Tim, will do next. But always remember: There’s no greater baggage, better…better butter baggage, no greater bag to big bug with than the American people. And I know, deep in my heart, that if — look, I’ve been a Democrat sense the ‘70s! — if I had rum, rum rummy, with all this, all that’s happening, the people, the people part, with them, I woulda, would’ve wet, would’ve wet the wet whale…
Goodnight.
Election Night Minute-By-Minute Recap
Back when I wrote about soccer, I used to do “match diaries”, which were minute-by-minute recaps of games. People seemed to like them; I think people enjoyed the experience of reliving the match. So, this is basically a match diary for election night; I’m hoping that “relive the election experience” is a sales pitch with more appeal than, say, “what if you could have a sandwich like the ones you buy on Amtrak
Perfect.
The funny thing is if Biden (when he was the Jason Sudeikis Biden) had been the nominee in 2016, he would have clobbered Trump and would now be finishing his second term.