Part Three of My David Blaine-esque Stunt to Withstand All the Republican Debates
This is killing me
For some dumb reason, I decided to watch every Republican debate and do writeups so that you — my procrastinating-from-work readers — can do anything with your time except watch the debates. I’m starting to want to renegotiate that deal. Maybe I could, say, eat a pound of worms on Facebook Live, or jump Snake River Canyon on a big wheel. Because the stupidity of these debates takes a lot out of me. These debates are as likely to produce enlightenment as a barn dace is to produce nuclear fusion.
That being said, this debate was slightly less painful than the first two. I think that’s because we’re down to five candidates, which means that they spent less time shouting over each other while the moderator tried to restore order like the world’s most feckless substitute teacher. It also annoyed me to have to pay any attention at all to Doug Burgum. I did not consent to any level of Doug Burgum awareness, and I hate that Doug Burgum now takes up space in my brain. That space is crowding out more important things like cheat codes to Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out and the theme song to JabberJaw.
In the first two debates, I talked about what I considered to be each candidate’s message. This time, I’ll note any changes I observe in their performance. My logic is that the people who watched all three debates could probably all fit in a Honda Civic, but I happen to be one of those people, so I should use that fact to provide whatever perspective I can.
So, as Shakespeare almost wrote: Once more into the suck, dear friends!
CHRIS CHRISTIE
What he did differently this time: He skipped the zingers.
I liked that the first two debates featured Chris Christie: Master Roast Comic. Watching these debates is as pleasant as sitting in a port-a-potty in hundred degree heat, and Christie’s zinger-slinging was one of very few enjoyable elements. I also liked watching him goad Donald Trump like a pro wrestler calling out his opponent.
But Christie didn’t tell any jokes last night. Maybe he was zinger-shy after his “We’re gonna call you Donald DUCK” joke in the last debate fell flat. It’s not just that nobody laughed; it’s that amidst the silence, you could hear Dana Perino mutter an unimpressed “alright”. As a comic, I can tell you: That “alright” sticks with you. You hear that “alright” when you’re trying to sleep at night. That “alright” might have been enough to take the steam out of Christie’s zinger train.
Beyond that, I’ll note that Christie sometimes shows empathy, which tells me that he’s not really in it to win it.