Take That, China: Our Dumbest Young People Are Invading Your App
YOU deal with them for a while
It’s looking like TikTok never was a regular company. Faced with the choice of either selling the company for more money than God would make in five lifetimes or losing access to their most lucrative market, TikTok’s parent company chose the latter. Which would be a tough decision to explain on an earnings call, but easier to explain in a midnight meeting on a park bench with a contact you know only as “Raven”.
Many TikTokers upset by the ban have fled to a Chinese social media app called Xiaohongshu, which translates to “Rednote” or “Little Red Book”. That’s right: Furious over accusations that they’re being manipulated by the Chinese Communist Party, some Americans have jumped to a Chinese-owned, Chinese-language app named after a book of Mao’s quotations. Which would be like responding to accusations that you’re in the mafia by sending two guys in tracksuits to beat the accuser with pipes.
The app’s Chinese users seem surprised by the influx of Americans. A well-known Chinese blogger expressed surprise at the “hilarious” inflow of TikTok refugees, and many Chinese users showed frustration over the sudden preponderance of English-language videos. It seems that virtually no one in China expected a flood of American users, which means: Our gambit worked — we caught the Chinese completely off guard! Not since Washington surprised the British in Trenton on Christmas has America executed such a flawless and merciless sneak attack.
China: Prepare to feel the wrath of the dumbest, most insufferable twerps America has to offer. These dildos are like if Tulsi Gabbard and the “Leave Britney Alone” kid had a brain-damaged baby; if you fed a chimpanzee nothing but whiskey and paint chips for a year, you might get close to the level of stupid we’re talking about. And now they’re taking over your app! You messed with the bull, and now you’re getting the horns, with “the horns” being a 19 year-old asexual furry who does “anti-colonial” makeup reviews.