The Houthis/Red Sea Situation, But With Jokes

Your stupid questions, answered

The Galaxy Leader, which was hijacked by Houthi rebels in November. (photo via Getty)

The Houthis have stepped up attacks on ships in the Red Sea, and the US has responded with lethal force. Below are questions and answers about the situation, so that when the topic comes up you can do something other than nod, say “well, it’s complicated,” and then change the topic to that Pop Tart that got sacrificed at a football game.

Who are the Houthis, and could you liken them to a race from Lord of the Rings?

The Houthis are a militant group in Yemen backed by Iran. They have roots in northern Yemen, where most people follow Zayidi Islam, in contrast to the rest of Yemen, which is mostly Sunni. When Yemen backed the US invasion of Iraq in 2003, a protest movement led by cleric Hussein al-Houthi rebelled against the government. Al-Houthi was killed in 2004, but his movement gained support from Iran and came to control parts of Yemen. In 2014, the group launched an offensive that sparked a brutal war that lasted until a ceasefire in 2022. The Houthis appear close to a deal that would permanently end the war and give them a role in government.

I could not liken them to a race from Lord of the Rings.

Oh come on.

Fine: Dwarves.

You called Yemen’s civil war “brutal”. Could you elaborate?

In early 2023, the UN called the situation in Yemen the world’s worst humanitarian crisis. The UN Development Program estimates that 370,000 people have died because of the conflict, with 60 percent of those deaths coming from indirect causes such as lack of food, water, and health services. An estimated 19,000 civilians have died in airstrikes. An estimated 4.5 million people are displaced.

I haven’t heard a word about that from the protesters in the West who are decrying “genocide” by Israel. Why is that?

No one can think of a reason.

Why have the Houthis began attacking merchant ships in the Red Sea?

Because all world events are part of a grand cosmic joke that will somehow lead to Donald Trump being back in the White House.

Yes, but are there other reasons?

The conflict in Gaza is the proximate cause of these attacks. The Houthi’s slogan is: “God is great, death to the U.S., death to Israel, curse the Jews, and victory for Islam.” They have stated that their attacks are in support of Gaza, though the ships they’ve attacked often have little or no connection to the conflict. They appear to be trying to gain popularity with people who are sympathetic to the Palestinian cause.

Nobody’s dumb enough to fall for that, are they?

Lefty protesters in the West are dumb enough to fall for anything.

When did the attacks start?

On December 3, the Houthis attacked Panamanian and Bahamian-flagged merchant ships with missiles and drones. A US destroyer responded to a distress call and shot down three drones.

Wait…what do Panama and the Bahamas have to do with Israel?

You have embarrassed yourself by demonstrating your ignorance of the Panamanian/Bahamian/Israeli axis. These countries are tightly bound by culture and geography and have shared an unbreakable alliance for thousands of years.

What happened this week?

On Sunday, Houthi rebels in boats attacked a Singaporean-flagged ship and attempted to board. The rebels then fired on a US Navy helicopter that responded to a distress call. Navy ships returned fire, sinking three of the four Houthi boats.

Could you relay that information in the style of a headline from a credulous Western news outlet receiving reports from the rebels themselves?

Sure: “Scores of Yemenis Dead in Illegal US Attack”.

Is there a risk of the US being drawn into a broader conflict in the Middle East, possibly involving Iran?

No — no chance. I mean, come on, this is the Middle East — we’ve got this, it’s fine. We’ve gamed it all the way out, there won’t be any surprises. “Drawn into a broader conflict” — listen to yourself, you sound crazy. We’ve thought of everything. That’s crazy. You’re crazy.

This all sounds bad, but I’m not hearing my name anywhere.

Roughly 30 percent of global container traffic goes by Yemen and through the Suez Canal. Shipping companies have begun avoiding the Suez Canal, creating a situation similar to when the Ever Given got stuck in the Canal for six days in 2021. Over time, increased shipping costs will raise the price of some goods.

Increased prices? So you’re saying I could find something at Target that seems a bit expensive, take a picture, tweet it out with the caption “THANKS A LOT, BIDEN!”, and have it reported by Fox News?

Without a doubt.

Egypt controls the Suez Canal. Are they supporting the Houthi attacks in solidarity with their Palestinian brethren?

What pamphlet left over from a teach-in at Antioch shaped your perceptions of Middle East politics? Egypt is fucking furious. A large share of their revenue comes from the Suez Canal, and they have participated in a task force to protect shipping in the Red Sea. Restoring shipping lanes seems to be their top priority right after ensuring that not a single Gazan ever sets foot on Egyptian soil.

Is it true that only 5 percent of Israel’s trade goes through its Red Sea port, and therefore they will barely be affected by this?

Yes. Boy are the Houthis going to feel like a bunch of Silly Billys when they find that out.

What are our America’s options?

The US recently created a 20 nation task force to protect shipping; the strength of this force could be increased. The US could also strike Houthi positions in Yemen instead of simply responding to Houthi attacks, and the US and UK are considering issuing a formal warning that that’s what they’ll do if attacks continue.

What’s a “formal warning”?

It’s a warning written by a master calligrapher on 110-weight paper scented with sandalwood and lavender, delivered by a man in a tuxedo and white gloves brandishing a platter and cloche made of pure silver. It’s standard in statecraft.

Is Iran being chill about all this?

What do you think?

Could this potentially be the start of a broader conflict in which the US, Israel, and possibly Saudi Arabia fight a series of proxy wars against Iranian-backed fighters in Gaza, Yemen, and Lebanon?

Only if it somehow, some way leads to Donald Trump becoming president again.

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