The Mexican and Indian Elections, but With Jokes
Other countries have malfunctioning democracies, too!
Mexico is the country that invented the Fiery Doritos Locos Gordita Crunch Wrap. India is a country with more than 100 people (ed note: We were unable to determine India’s population as of press time, but “more than 100” seems safe). Both countries held elections this week. What are the implications for you, an American, i.e. the only type of person that really matters?
Claudia Sheinbaum is Mexico’s first “girlboss” president, if by “boss” you mean “fronts a quasi-authoritarian movement” and by “girl” you mean “is subservient to a man”. Andrés Manuel López Obrador — known as AMLO for reasons unknown — has been president since 2018. He spent his six-year term consolidating power, and also probably eating a lot, because the food when you’re President of Mexico must be insane. Ms. Sheinbaum is AMLO’s hand-picked successor; they’ve worked together for 25 years and seem to have something of a “Mr. Burns and Smithers” relationship. Smithers — I’m sorry, Sheinbaum — has said that she and AMLO are “different people”, which is probably something that he told her to say. Time will tell whether Sheinbaum diverges from AMLO’s agenda; AMLO has vowed to retire to his ranch, which means that we might have some George W. Bush-style weirdo self-portraits to look forward to.
Ms. Sheinbaum faces many challenges (starting with the pronunciation of her name, which is apparently “SHANE-balm”). Gang violence was a huge problem under AMLO; in 2022, 92 percent of crimes in Mexico went unreported, and only four percent of investigations were solved, which means that convictions in Mexico are about as common as bobsled accidents. AMLO pursued a policy toward gangs called “hugs not bullets”, which sounds like a mistranslation, but, incredibly, it is not. Sheinbaum seems set to continue this policy; she’s vowed to address “the causes” of organized crime, which probably means “poverty” but should also mean “the desire some men have to be rich big-shots who are feared by everyone and can do whatever the fuck they want.” Or, maybe she’s devised a way to deliver more and better hugs — perhaps Elmo can succeed where AMLO failed.
Sheinbaum also has decisions to make on trade. Her predecessor negotiated the United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement, which is identical to NAFTA except that the tariff rate on ceramic tiles with a surface area of greater than 10 cm2 went from four percent to six percent, which was a big win for Trump. The pact is up for renewal in 2025, so if Trump wins, Sheinbaum will have to smile politely during negotiations and resist the urge to say “You don’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about, do you?” Mexico has also attracted little new foreign investment in recent years, with most new money coming from Chinese companies eager to get around American tariffs and escapees from Shawshank Prison who restore old boats on the beach. One of Sheinbaum’s challenges will be to make Mexico attractive to countries where people have a cultural aversion to being brutally murdered by a drug cartel.
It also remains to be seen whether Ms. Sheinbaum will continue AMLO’s attempts to weaken democracy. Unlike the American constitution, which will never be amended again, the Mexican constitution gets rewritten more often than a meth addict’s screenplay. AMLO attacked institutions that checked his power, which is troubling in a country that has only identified as a multiparty democracy since 2000. Also, because there will be a month between a new, AMLO-friendly Congress taking power in September and Sheinbaum being sworn in in October, AMLO has a chance to ram through as many “reforms” as time will allow. It could be like Supermarket Sweep, but with AMLO throwing dubious constitutional provisions into his cart instead of honeybaked hams.
Sheinbaum may prove to be her own person. In many ways, she’s a trailblazer: She’s the first Jewish ex-ballet dancer with a doctorate in energy engineering to hold the presidency, which is a victory for Mexican PhD holding Jewish ballerinas everywhere. After her victory, she trumpeted her novelty, saying: “For the first time in 200 years of the republic, I will become the first female president of Mexico.” She was right: She has never been elected the first female president of Mexico before (though it’s hard to fault voters 200 years ago for not electing her). She may be independent, or she may be a puppet, though if she turns out to be the latter, maybe she’ll be the type of red, fuzzy puppet who can end organized crime with hugs.
Speaking of countries who have been single-party curious in recent years: India. India practices tantric elections — this one unfolded over six weeks and finally climaxed on Tuesday. One outcome is that Narendra Modi will become India’s only three-term Prime Minister other than Jawaharlal Delano1 Nehru. But the news was not all good for Modi: His BJP party hoped to win 400 parliamentary seats but ended up with 240. The result was a bit like when a college football powerhouse puts Aleutian Islands Barber College on their schedule and then beats them by a field goal: It’s a win, but also a display of weakness.
The BJP will have to ally with other parties to form a majority. To put that in terms that Americans can understand: Remember when Richard Hatch formed a voting alliance on the first season of Survivor? Modi has to do that. His position could be worse — he’s not in one of those situations where he either has to ally with the Capitalism Is Genocide Party or the Let’s Reanimate Hitler Party — but it’s a setback. It should slow Modi’s efforts to further entrench the BJP, which have included using the law against his opponents, tightening the screws on the press, and other things that are equal parts boring and awful. Many in the BJP want to change the constitution, which they see as too secular and too Western; they prefer a more muscular, distinctly Hindu government, as personified by this depiction of the god Ram posted by a BJP politician.
Why did the BJP underwhelm? An extreme heat wave may have altered the vote — temperatures hit a record 49.9 degrees Celsius in Delhi, which would be 121.8 degrees Fahrenheit in most of the US and “hotter than a kerosene cat in hell with a gasoline jock strap” in Alabama. The Indian economy continues to grow quickly, but inflation and unemployment have been high, so add Modi to the list of world leaders who have been harmed by inflation (which includes every other world leader). Lower-caste voters seem to have rebelled against Modi for not delivering prosperity for all, plus they’re probably still mad about being called “unfuckables” for all those years (ed note: the correct term might be “untouchables”, but we were unable to confirm that before press time).
This result is a setback for Hindu nationalism. Modi has stirred up sentiment against the country’s Muslim minority, and in India, “minority” means 200 million people. It’s also a setback for the cult of Modi: The BJP’s campaign featured Modi about as heavily as O Magazine features Oprah. Modi once looked like a shoo-in for a fourth term; now, he might end up with fewer terms than Trump. The once-booming ominous-feature-article-about-budding-authoritarianism-featuring-a-distorted-photo-of-Narendra Modi-industry also seems sure to take a hit, because for the moment, India’s slide towards single-party rule is on pause.
Delano was not his middle name.
This was worth it just for the "tantric election" joke.
Aleutian Islands Barber College has always had a razor-sharp passing game.
I’ll show myself out.