The New Jersey Drone Situation, but With Jokes

What are these mysterious fixed-wing objects that keep landing at airports?

David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson from The X Files, currently streaming on Hulu. Background by Visions of America/Joe Sohm via Getty.

A few weeks ago, New Jersey residents took a brief break from attending church in a tracksuit and celebrating Springsteen songs that are about what a bunch of fucking losers they are to look in the sky and exclaim: “Madone!!! There’s a fuckin’ thing in the fuckin’ sky! What the fuck is that thing — Joey, are you fuckin’ seein’ this?” By early December, rumors about the objects were spreading faster than herpes in the parking lot of a Bon Jovi concert. Were the objects Chinese spycraft? Alien probes? Could they be drones, which you can buy at Target for $30 and are legal to fly at night in New Jersey? No one could say.

Normally, “townie sees strange object, becomes agitated, eventually returns to beer-and-failure-soaked life” isn’t news. But this time, the rumors found their way to social media, which is doing for unfounded rumors what Playboy once did for big, bouncy tits. A Facebook page about the “mystery” quickly swelled to more than 77,000 members, and users across social media briefly stopped calling each other Hitler and buying Bitcoin because an ab model told them to to follow the story. And with scores of amateur sleuths on the case, we were treated to endless mind-blowing posts like this one:

WHOA!!! An aircraft descending towards LaGuardia Airport along a flight path while displaying the FAA-required landing lights. WHAT COULD IT BE??? You can see why these baffling sightings piqued the public interest.

An investigation ensued. A government hotline fielded more than 5,000 tips, and though 98 percent were deemed not worthy of investigation, helpful information was obtained from concerned citizens Barry McCockinner and Haywood Jablome. Eventually, officials representing several government agencies issued a statement saying that there was “no evidence” of a security threat. This assessment was based on consultation with local law enforcement, advanced video analysis, and knowing what a fucking airplane looks like.

So, case closed: There’s a massive government conspiracy to cover up the drones. And local politicians bravely seized on the thing that everyone was talking about to get attention for themselves. Newly elected Senator Andy Kim spent a night watching the skies with local police and tweeted about several unexplainable objects, which were quickly explained: They were airplanes. Of course, Kim’s tweet correcting his error arrived a full day after he posted his X-Files fan fiction, and his correction has about 218,000 views, while his initial tweet has more than seven million. So, great work, Senator: I never thought anyone would make me pine for the return of Bob Menendez, but you’re off to a strong start.

Other politicians dove head-injury first into the mystery: Former Maryland Governor Larry Hogan tweeted a video of bright lights twinkling in the sky and said “The American people deserve answers and action now.” And Governor Hogan got answers and action: The answer was that he was looking at stars through trees, and the action was that social media roasted him as a royal dumbass for several days. But some corners of social media found the “it’s stars, idiot” explanation unsatisfying — after all, how come these alleged “stars” don’t fall on us? Who put the stars there — was it the Chinese? Are the stars perhaps a bad omen, and should we start burning witches just in case? As of press time, there are no answers, just giant balls of gas thousands of light years away that may or may not be part of a government plot to steal your bones.

Countless politicians entered the fray. Marjorie Taylor Greene offered to shoot the drones, which of course is unnecessary due to the government’s Jewish Space Laser Defense System. President Trump said “the government knows what’s happening”, which means that he either just: 1) Stoked conspiracy theories by talking out of his ass, or 2) Casually revealed classified information during a press conference. But the pièce de résistance of elected half-wits displaying their ignorance like a flasher waving his crank at a busload of sightseers was this tweet from State Senator Doug Mastriano:

That, folks, is a prop from the obscure indie film Star Wars. But Doug Mastriano thinks that a 15-foot high craft with vertical wings and no visible means of propulsion might be what people were seeing. Either that, or he thinks that Star Wars is real. Which means that I might get a Doug Mastriano retweet if I posted this:

So, the new baseless obsession of too-online morons has arrived: It’s drones. Prepare for your most damaged relatives to flood your social media feed with pictures of birds and streetlights beneath the words “WE DEMAND ANSWERS!!!” Every government statement explaining that clouds, butterflies, and plastic bags sent aloft by the breeze aren’t alien spacecraft will be treated as more proof of the conspiracy. And if aliens are hovering over New Jersey, they’re probably looking at each other, saying “get a load of these half-tards”, and then getting as far away as possible.

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