The Pitch Deck for Covenant Eyes, the Anti-Porn Software Used by Speaker Mike Johnson

A major scoop from the IMBW investigative team

We recently learned that new House Speaker Mike Johnson uses anti-porn software called Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes is an app that scans your devices for adult content and sends a report of your viewing habits to whomever you designate as your “accountability partner”. In a video clip from last year, Johnson said that he uses the app with his teenage son.

I Might Be Wrong’s intrepid team of investigative reporters has uncovered a pitch deck used by Covenant Eyes founders Bob Splitch¹ to obtain funding. That script, as well as the accompanying slides, are presented in full below.

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Bob Splitch: Thanks so much for having me in. What a building — the view of the bay is incredible. But I know your time is valuable, so I’m going to jump right in. Is this you?

That scene will be all-too-familiar to some of you. Alone with your laptop, totally nude except maybe for socks, enticed by the siren song of nympho step-sisters caught in the shower and D-cup MILFs who simply can’t get enough.

Sadly, 51 percent of Americans struggle with porn addiction.

I used to be part of that 51 percent. I was addicted to porn. I’d watch it first thing in the morning and before I went to bed at night. I’d watch during lunch, I’d watch on the bus. Sometimes, I’d take out my phone on an elevator and watch a quick gangbang in between stops. One time, I was in a pitch meeting just like this one, and I stashed my tablet behind a plant so I could watch Asian lesbians share a two-sided dildo while I talked about Photoshop Express. But all that changed because of one concept…

Accountability.

Why does AA work? Because of accountability. Everyone in AA has a sponsor to help them stay clean. And it’s a two-way street: Both parties face the same challenges and earn the same victories.

Covenant eyes brings accountability to your porn viewing habits. It’s software that you and a trusted partner can use to break the cycle of addiction. Here’s how it works:

First, you choose an “accountability partner”. This should be someone you trust, someone who will support you when you struggle and celebrate your triumphs. For me, that could only be one person…

That’s me and my pop. Dad’s always been there for me. He taught me how to build a fire and how to throw a curveball. When my wife left me due to my porn addiction, he drove down from Saginaw to make sure I was okay. There’s no one I trust more than my old man. He’s my best friend.

To get started, both accountability partners download the Covenant Eyes app on their phone.

For a mere 17 dollars a month, the Covenant Eyes app will track all your devices. That means your phone, your computer, your tablet — all covered. The app uses keystroke tracking and advanced AI to determine if either person is accessing adult content. And you may be wondering: How good is the AI? Well, it’s good enough to accurately categorize this image:

That’s an ad I clicked on last month. Less-sophisticated AI would have thought it was porn, but Covenant Eyes’ patented AI software is essentially faultless. Every image, video, keystroke, and click is logged and analyzed. There is no defeating the system; it is the most perfect surveillance device ever made. It is an all-knowing cyborg lurking on your phone, anticipating your thoughts, and exposing your private moments with an efficiency beyond anything George Orwell ever imagined. And all for only 17 dollars a month!

Each month, Covenant Eyes automatically sends a report of your viewing habits to your accountability partner. So, in January, my dad received this:

Yep: Zero hours. That’s the impact that accountability can have. If you had told me that I’d go a month without porn back in the days when I was hiding my phone in a turkey cavity so I could watch bukkake videos during Thanksgiving dinner, I’d have said you were nuts.

Meanwhile, Covenant Eyes sent me this report about my dad:

Without Covenant Eyes, I wouldn’t have known anything about my dad’s porn viewing habits! That’s the peace of mind this software provides. With Covenant Eyes, I not only knew that my Dad had a problem: I knew the precise nature of his problem, because Covenant Eyes also sends a report of your partner’s most frequent internet searches:

And that’s not all: Covenant Eyes sends text alerts when your accountability partner looks at adult content. This helps build an “accountability map” of viewing habits. In much the same way that alcoholics identify “triggers” that threaten their sobriety, I was able to understand my dad’s patterns through text alerts like this:

To think: Without Covenant Eyes, all of this info would have been out of sight and out of mind.

Armed with the robust data provided by the app, I confronted my dad. It was a tough conversation; I told Dad that I understood his addiction and could help him beat it. Dad told me that he thought only my browsing would be tracked, and that he didn’t know that his would be tracked as well. “You tricked me!” he said. “This whole thing is sick!” Which is the classic denialism of an addict.

Covenant Eyes allowed Dad and me to fight his addiction together. And — due to the accountability made possible by this cutting edge software — Dad stayed porn free for a good stretch. But the road to recovery is rarely straight, and at the end of February, I received this report:

Here’s another great thing about Covenant Eyes: It tracks activity on your devices, not from your IP address. So, even though Dad had been going to the local library and using their Wi-Fi — which he thought would cover his tracks — Covenant Eyes busted him cold. He claimed that there must be a mistake; he said he had just been watching YouTube clips of Bob Newhart. But Covenant Eyes clears up any ambiguity by actually sending you the content that your accountability partner accessed!² So, I received images like this one:

By clicking “unblur”, I could see that the image was…well, let’s just say that it was not Bob Newhart.

Looking at that image took me back to the days of my porn addiction. I remembered how it felt to look at X-rated images; I could feel the temptations that were enticing my dad. So, I went into the bathroom for 20 minutes to think. Just to think and reflect, mind you — nothing more. Just thinking about the challenges of porn addiction. With the water running.

Covenant Eyes gives Dad and me the tools we need to fight his addiction. Dad’s challenges remain. He often complains that he didn’t fight in Korea to live under a surveillance state at home. And one time he bought a burner phone, set it up as a mobile hot spot, and used a USB-C cable to connect to his smart fridge so he could watch porn on the display — it was honestly pretty impressive for an 89 year-old! But Covenant Eyes sussed that plan out. Like I said: The system is virtually unbeatable.

I still receive 150-200 text alerts a day informing me of Dad’s struggles. Whenever I unblur the content that Dad has accessed, it reminds me how challenging porn addiction can be. In fact, I’m often reminded so much so that I need to go to the bathroom right away to reflect on the challenge. Just reflect, nothing more. And then sometimes I’ll make myself a sandwich and then go reflect again. Fighting addiction is a process. And Covenant Eyes gives my dad and me the accountability that makes that process possible.

So: How much would you like to invest?

PHOTO CREDITS: Guy with laptop image from lolostock via Getty, hot dog and coconut image built from an image by Carey Hope via Getty, father and son image from Rosmarie Wirz via Getty.

1. This whole thing is parody — there’s no Bob Splitch. At least, I don’t think that there is. If there is actually a Bob Splitch, then: 1) Sorry for accidentally using your name, and 2) Sorry about being named “Bob Splitch”.

2. Incredibly, this is an actual feature of the real app!