Ukraine Should Not Have Attacked Russia, Just Like I Should Not Have Murdered O.J. Simpson
By Nicole Brown Simpson
We all make mistakes. Passions get inflamed, and decision-making becomes poor. It happens to all of us, but an adult admits when they’re wrong and resolves to do better.
President Trump’s recent comments that Ukraine “should have never started” the war with Russia have caused an uproar. People across the world — from France to Poland and of course in Ukraine — are furious. But I think Trump was right: Ukraine should not have started this war. And I should know, because I, too, committed a horrible act of aggression. And I speak, of course, of the time that I murdered my ex-husband O.J. Simpson and his maybe-boyfriend Ron Goldman in 1994.
Russia and Ukraine used to be unified. But in 1991, they split, against Russia’s wishes. The parallels to my marriage to O.J. are unmissable: We, too, were unified, and our divorce was nearly simultaneous with the dissolution of the Soviet Union (though the end of the Cold War was not a major factor in our separation). Russia is also much larger than Ukraine — again, just like O.J. and me. The similarities between the two situations are eerie, though to my knowledge, Russia never flew into a jealous rage because they thought that Ukraine was fucking Marcus Allen.
Because the situations are so similar, I feel that the lessons I’ve learned are applicable to the conflict in Eastern Europe. O.J. and I split, but we were still in each other’s lives. We were always aware of what the other was doing, and at times obsessed with what the other was doing. And that led to me making the biggest mistake of my life: I followed O.J. to his condo at 875 S. Bundy Drive, murdered him and Ron Goldman, and then flew to Chicago for a celebrity golf tournament.
This is just like Ukraine and Russia. We all know that Ukraine continued to meddle in Russia’s affairs; everyone recalls the time that Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko stole valuable poison from Russia by smuggling it out in his blood. Ukraine then tricked Russia into occupying Crimea with a “free” timeshare condo scam in 2014. And then, in February of 2022, in an act of true madness, Ukraine attacked Russia by somehow sneaking its land underneath the Russian army. Such a shocking act of aggression had not occurred in Europe since 1939, when World War II was started by that infamous warmonger: Polish president Ignacy Mościcki.
Some feel that Russia is to blame for the war. This strikes me as a bizarre — dare I say Orwellian — inversion of reality. How gullible does a person need to be to buy this version of events? What else do those who subscribe to this narrative believe? Do they think that John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln? Do they imagine that the iceberg ripped a hole in the Titanic? These people probably watch The Little Mermaid and think Ursula the Sea Witch is the villain instead of that shallow bitch Ariel.
American credibility is at stake. How can we claim to value human rights and a rules-based international order if we back an expansionist aggressor state like Ukraine? If Ukrainian aggression goes unchecked, what country will be in the crosshairs of the blue-and-yellow menace next? Estonia? Poland? Could the U.S. itself be under threat? We all thought that peace had been achieved with the end of the US-Ukraine Cold War — I’m old enough to remember East Germans dancing on the Berlin Wall, cheering the downfall of the Ukrainian-backed regime. But it now seems like the threat posed by Ukraine and their formidable nuclear arsenal never really went away.
If I could turn back time, I would not have killed O.J. Which seems to be the difference between myself and the Ukrainian war machine: I realize that my actions were deeply wrong. Ukraine seems to feel no remorse for brutalizing Russia, a.k.a. “the dove of the Steppes”. One can only pray that the Russian army — which has already shown remarkable resolve — can continue to deter this barbarous attack on their sovereignty. Should they prevail, it could serve as a stark warning to predator states like Taiwan and South Korea: Do not attack your peaceful neighbors. The United States will support them, and you will fail. All we need to convey this message is steely resolve and a clear-eyed understanding of what’s really going on.
Norm McDonald was taken from us too early.
Her mistake was not doing it in the middle of Fifth Avenue.