USA vs. Mexico match diary & player ratings

We are a team of very talented little boys!

The most metaphysical thing that I believe is that the US didn’t qualify for the Men’s World Cup because we elected Trump. I’m really not a metaphysical guy; I don’t believe in astrology or “the universe”, and I can point to a million rat bastards whose success disproves the existence of karma. So, I've asked myself: “Do I really believe that Americans had to give up nice things like a USMNT World Cup appearance as punishment for Trump?” And the answer is: Yes, I believe that to the marrow of my bones.

But thank Satan that’s all behind us! And suddenly, there’s every reason to be optimistic about the national team; after years of peeing our pants any time an American player made it anywhere in Europe - even if they were eking out sub’s minutes at a Scottish League 3 side where they were also a part-time janitor - we suddenly have guys starting for Champions League clubs. Here’s tonight’s lineup, by club:

Chelsea | Werder Bremen | Borussia Dortmund

Barcelona | Juventus | Colorado Rapids | Galatasaray

Fulham | Wolfsburg | Genk

Manchester City

When I started watching the USMNT in the ‘90s, the club breakdown usually looked something like this:

Baltimore Blast | Dallas Sidekicks | Wichita Wings

Sheepfuck-on-Avon United | FC Vnesheconombank | Michigan State | Devry Tech.

Cleans Pools | Substitute Teacher | Charismatic Drifter

Boston Bruins but a goalie’s a goalie, right?

Tonight’s team is good on paper. But they are, let’s remember, mostly children: Six of our starting 11 tonight are 22 or younger. At 22, I had three roommates and was subsisting entirely on Ramen and Starburst. So, I expect it will take these kids some time to grow. But I’m eager to see if these insanely-talented little boys (and a couple of geezers) can rise to the challenge in a big game tonight!

Here’s kickoff from a lovely stadium in Denver that unfortunately has no oxygen in it…

1’ - GOAL MEXICO! Jesus. Fuck everything. I hate this planet, I hate everything on it. Let me choose an item at random…

Fuck you, watering can: This is all your fault. This fucking sucks. Playing from behind against Mexico is the worst - it just becomes a game of keep-ball until you start to press, then they shred you for four goals. This absolutely sucks.

2’ - This “you must play out from the back!” thing is a cult. It’s an absolute, undeniable cult. The number of goals scored from too-cute-by-half defender giveaways dwarfs the number of goals scored from 40-pass moves that start with the goalkeeper. If McKenzie had put his foot through the ball, it’d be 0-0 now.

8’ - Insanely-soft yellow card for Brooks. Brooks complained, and I assume the ref responded with “It’s CONCACAF - terrible calls are the norm here.”

11’ - Steffen starts a goal kick by tapping it to McKenzie - three seconds later, Mexico have the ball 30 yards out. Insane. My last post was about staying-course despite abysmal results; I guess Berhalter didn’t read it.

15’ - I love Tim Ream because I’m a Fulham fan, but it’s hard to love him while his hair is in a man bun.

18’ - Finally signs of life from the US - a great run by Dest leads to a flurry of half-chances. This game is young men, high pressure, and low-oxygen, and the result is pure chaos.

20’ - Reyna is tackled in the box - was it a foul? In CONCACAF: No chance.

23’ - GOAL MEXICO! 2-0. BUT WAIT: VAR calls it offside! Now might be a good time to say: I’m 100% pro-VAR, and not because it just completely saved our asses. Last year, I got used to watching MLS and Bundeslinga games that did have VAR and EPL games that didn’t, and I’ve never hated the English more.

26’ - GOAL USA!!!!! WE’RE BACK IN IT!!! Teen heartthrob Gio Reyna scores the goal after veteran 22 year-old Weston McKennie heads it off the post! God we needed that. This game has been utter madness; just about the only way to score is to scramble in a hockey goal like we just did.

27’ - Extra credit to McKennie for starting that move with a long throw-in. I love McKennie - such a great mentality. Complete terrier. FWIW, I don’t love the 3-4-3 in this situation but I do love that it puts McKennie back in the engine room where he belongs.

34’ - Almost a goal! McKennie steals it, and Sargent can’t quite get to Reyna’s cross.

37’ - Pulisic has barely touched the ball yet. I think you have to credit Mexico for keeping Dest and Yedlin pinned back; we’re having a ton of trouble playing it through the midfield.

42’ - STEFFEN WITH A HUGE SAVE! Mexico beat the trap - Steffen stays big and denies Lozano, who was about two yards offside. FWIW, that lineswoman made some terrible calls in the Honduras match, too. And I’m not implying that she’s terrible because of her gender; I’m implying that she’s terrible because CONCACAF is a corrupt organization with a history of hiring terrible referees. To be clear.

HALF TIME: We’re a bit lucky it’s 1-1. Mexico are tough; don’t they know that our players play for, like, Barcelona? Bar-the-lo-na! It’s almost as if they don’t want to give up a decade of dominating this rivalry without a fight.

48’ - Soft-but-not-insane yellow card for Acosta. I think “not insane” might be about as good as we’re going to do.

53’ - Our passing has really been sloppy. I think it’s probably nerves on the part of players who largely the same age as college kids who are presently trying to stuff gummy worms into a vape pen.

56’ - Nice block from McKenzie. After that giveaway in the first minute, he could have collapsed - if it had been me, I might have gotten plastic surgery and become a yak-herder.

59’ - Weah comes on, Dest comes off. This confirms one thing that’s been pretty clear: We’ve been in a 4-4-2 for about 30 minutes now. So Weah will play as a proper left midfielder.

61’ - Great move, but Sargent can’t get his foot around the spilled shot! That was the first time Pulisic was able to turn with the ball.

62’ - Now Steffen is down. This is bad. They’re wiggling his leg - is that medicine? “Oh, your leg’s hurt? Ima wiggle it, K?”

67’ - Steffen has to come off. They either wiggled his leg too much or not enough.

68’ - Siebatcheu on for Sargent. This had to happen - just not Sargent’s night.

70’ - GREAT SAVE FROM OCHOA! It’s another McKennie header off a corner! FWIW, I watch McKennie a lot, and he is great in the air. This isn’t a fluke.

72’ - Uh…Greg Berhalter arguably just fouled Nestor Araujo. To be clear: Berhalter retired in 2011 and is the coach now. So I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed. I mean, he got the ball, but if you’re wearing chinos and Vans and are standing on the sidelines, that’s a foul no matter what.

75’ - Almost another goal off a corner! This is like a video game: We keep running the same play over and over and they can’t stop it.

78’ - GOAL MEXICO! Get that watering can back up here…

You Godless son of a bitch. I hope a dog bites off your spout and then your whole family dies in a fire. This fucking sucks. And why did it have to be Fulham’s Tim Ream who goat roasted? I see plenty of Tim Ream getting roasted when I watch Fulham!

81’ - GOAL USA!!! WES-TON MCKENNIE!!! With - guess what? - a header off a corner! GET…THAT…WATERING…CAN…BACK…UP…HERE!

I’m sorry for what I said, Watering Can. Everything’s fantastic. Life is glorious; we’re blessed to be here together on this beautiful blue marble.

85’ - Completely-justified yellow card for McKenzie. So…progress?

89’ - Great save by Horvath! That’s awesome - great to see a backup goalkeeper rising to the occasion.

90’ + 2 - Pushing and shoving…God I’m loving this! USA - Mexico is back!!! It’s a rivalry again!!!

90’ + 3 - Now Horvath is down. If Horvath gets hurt, who’s the goalkeeper…Berhalter? I think he’s on a yellow after that tackle on Araujo.

EXTRA TIME:

94’ - Herrera with a late, studs-up tackle on Weah and he gets…his name on the board. A stern look. CONCACAF, ladies and gents!

101’ - Another save for Horvath! It came from a giveaway from Adams. Adams looks rusty - it’s probably not easy to be off for weeks and then basically get thrown into a live volcano on your return.

108’ - Well hang on…we have a VAR review for a penalty kick. Did I think it was a penalty? In England…maybe. In CONCACAF…no chance. Lletget got completely cleaned out just a minute ago and there was no call - I always adjust my expectations in CONCACAF.

110’ - PENALTY!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!

112’ - A real “step up and earn the armband” moment for Pulisic. Let me say: I always thought Donovan would make penalty kicks. That one against Ghana in the round of 16 in 2010? I thought he’d make it, and he did. He just always gave me that feeling. Pulisic putting this in the back of the net would go a long way towards giving me that feeling. He steps up…

114’:

115’ - Awesome. Just awesome. And they celebrate in front of the Mexican fans, encouraging them to throw stuff, and somebody did and hit Reyna. It seems like he’s okay. Absolutely fucking legendary match.

119’ - And now a VAR check on a McKenzie handball. His hand is down at his side, he had no time to react, this should absolutely not be a handball, but they’ll get a makeup call here. For sure.

121’ - Penalty. Of course. Insanely bad call. I thought Pulisic’s was a 50/50, but this was a 5/95. Makeup call.

122’ - Here’s a chance for Ethan Horvath to become an instant USMNT legend…

123’:

125’ - Sometimes players miss penalties; that one was saved. He got down and saved that. Unreal…I’m shaking.

126’ - And we have fans on the field…sure, the game that has everything has to have everything: late goals, extra time, PK saves, budding superstars getting hit with projectiles, a two-footed tackle from a coach, locusts, dinosaurs, Christ returning to Earth and doing skateboard tricks - you gotta add fans on the field to the mix. Actually, that might be Jesus getting tackled by security right now.

129’ - Hector Herrera gets hit with a water bottle presumably thrown by a Mexican fan (because it was mostly US players standing around). So obviously I was wrong about karma not existing.

131’ - FULL TIME!!! WE HAVE WON SOMETHING CALLED THE NATIONS LEAGUE!!!

I’m almost, sorta, kinda having that “I believe in the universe” feeling again. Trump is gone, and we’re coming out of the pandemic. There were fans in the stadium today. And they saw probably the best non-World Cup national team match I’ve ever seen. I hope even the Mexican fans feel kind-of good because - if nothing else - we’re watching soccer and having fun again. And the US-Mexico rivalry is one-fucking-thousand percent BACK!

Player ratings:

Steffen - 6.5: Not at fault for the goal and made a huge one-on-one stop. I hope that leg injury is something that can be wiggled out.

Dest 4.5: Active, but sloppy; I think moving him all over the field is hurting him. He looks like he doesn’t totally know his role.

Ream 4.5: I’m giving him a bonus point because he’s a Fulham player but then I’m taking it away because of the man bun. He spent most of the match playing left back even though we have a better Fulham left back on the bench in Antonee Robinson. So that’s on Berhalter.

Brooks 7: Dominant in the air, and smart enough to not get himself into a spot where he could get beat for speed. At 28, he’s got that old man wisdom!

McKenzie 4: Credit to him for, you know…not crying, and he fought hard the whole match. But he was a bit shaky. The handball was not his fault; where would referee like players to put their arms?

Yedlin 4.5: Awfully rough to have him out of the team for so long and then put him in for this match. He really had his hands full on the right and couldn’t get forward too often.

Acosta 7: Stealthy-good game; he broke up a million attacks and didn’t commit dumb fouls. He’s been the forgotten man at that position but he played himself back into the mix tonight.

McKennie 9: Weston McKennie fucking rules; he’s got talent, passion, awesome Kid ‘N Play hair…just completely badass. And he was huge today.

Pulisic 8.5: I don’t usually give major points for penalty kicks, but that was a money PK if there ever was one. To go upper 90 in that situation…how can he be so speedy with such big balls?

Reyna 5: I’m not sure 18 year-olds should be allowed to attend games like this, much less play in them. He held up well, all things considered, and put the ball in the net when he had the chance. But I’ve seen him at lot at Dortmund and know he can play much better.

Sargent 4: I’m a big Josh Sargent fan - I watched him play well this year for a Bremen team so bad that they' shouldn’t have been allowed on TV. But it wasn’t his night.

Subs:

Weah 4: Didn’t really ever get into the game. But his dad’s George Weah, and that never stops being cool.

Horvath 9: A lesson in perseverance: Does anyone remember that game years ago when the ball went right through Horvath’s arms into the goal? I think it might have been his first cap. That was his first impression, but no-one will remember that; instead, they’ll remember him as the guy who made that save.

Siebatcheu 5.5: Provided good hold-up play, which we needed because we were basically only counter-attacking by the time he came in.

Lletget 5: I’m not quite sure how to rate these guys who came in when the game was absolute fucking chaos. By the time he came on the game was all VAR and drunk fans - I guess he was alright? So…5?

Adams 4: Rusty as an old pickup. But he’s a top-tier player and he’ll be back.

Cannon 5: Another VAR-and-drunk-chaos-time guy, so another 5.