Why Doesn't Hitler McFuckface Like Us Anymore?

Why won't this garbage-faced pile of ass cancer do what I want him to do?

Above: A still from Mark Zuckerberg’s appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience.

Mark Zuckerberg has announced big changes at Meta. The content moderation policies favored by many on the left are out, and the company is rolling back DEI and cozying up to Trump. Zuckerberg also recently went on Joe Rogan’s podcast to criticize the Biden administration and decry the lack of “masculine energy” in the corporate world.

Like many liberals, I’m shocked by this pivot. What happened to the Mark Zuckerberg who, after the 2016 election, kowtowed to progressive lawmakers? Where is the guy who backed left-wing causes and clashed with conservatives? What’s causing this? Is it something in his personal life? Craven pandering to the new administration? Or is there any chance that it has something to do with more than a decade of people on the left calling him a corrupt plutocrat who might be the biggest pile of shit in the cosmos?

It’s hard to trace the roots of Zuckerberg’s falling out with the left. Maybe it started in 2011, when the guy from The West Wing wrote a big, award-winning movie about how Zuckerberg is a total asshole. That doesn’t happen to most people — it’s really just Zuckerberg and former Oakland A’s manager Art Howe. After the 2016 election, some on the left blamed Facebook for Clinton’s loss, and Cambridge Analytica ended up on the Rachel Maddow show more than Rachel Maddow. In 2020, progressives demanded that Biden take down “new oligarchs” like Zuckerberg, which led to Lina Kahn hunting Zuckerberg with the tenacity of Javier Bardem’s character hunting Josh Brolin in No Country for Old Men.

The press was even more brutal. Kara Swisher actually called her takedown of the tech industry “Burn Book”, admitting that the content therein included the most acid-tongued burns of Zuckerberg et. al. she could muster. Left-leaning press accused Zuckerberg of being complicit in white supremacy, insurrection, and even ethnic cleansing. For a decade, the narrative most likely to get plastered on page A1 of a legacy media publication next to a top-tier graphics package that screamed “ATTENTION PULITZER PRIZE COMMITTEE!!!” was “[This tech company] Is Authoring Society’s Downfall and Its Founder is Personally a Polyp on Satan’s Penis Hole.”

The only thing more brutal than the press was social media. Journalists are bound by professional ethics that require them to write “some believe that Zuckerberg is ten times worse than Ted Bundy and Osama bin Laden combined,” but people on social media are not. Screeds against BILLIONAIRES became more common on social media than Russian porn bots or posts that make the person’s life look 400 percent better than it actually is. The murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson started a debate about whether it’s okay to literally murder CEOs, with 41 percent of people age 18-29 saying “yes”. Much of the Zuckerberg hate came on Zuckerberg’s own platforms, and surely not since the Hal 9000 sent Frank Poole hurtling off into space has a human looked at a machine with such an intense sense of “Dude — what the fuck?”

We can only speculate about what effect all this had on Zuckerberg’s feelings towards the left. Maybe it made him like us more — maybe he responded to the relentless flogging and shit-talk by thinking “What a cool bunch of people whom I should like to befriend.” Maybe the fact that his initial responsiveness to progressive demands was met with bigger and more strident demands made him even more determined to DO 👏 THE 👏 WORK. And maybe his current stance is just a cynical attempt to curry favor with Trump, and once Democrats are back in the White House, Zuckerberg will cheerfully concur that he’s a curse on the human race who should be drowned in a vat of battery acid.

Or — and this is pure speculation — maybe Zuckerberg didn’t like being portrayed as a more evil, less fuckable version of Hitler. Maybe he reacted negatively to being flogged like a sadist’s rented donkey, and is happy to help Trump twist the knife on folks who spent the past decade-plus pissing in his face. Maybe he’s watching the response to his rightward turn with a glass of scotch, a lit cigar, and the biggest hard-on of his life while cackling “Yes, SQUEAL you sad little piggies!”

We may never know what made Assface O’Satantaint turn on the left. It remains as much of a mystery as the shifts by Dickhead McFarthuffer (Elon Musk) and Pedo von Shiteater (Jeff Bezos). Maybe one day we’ll convince them that they are — as we frequently argue — rancid half-humans birthed from a dog’s asshole. Maybe we just need to beat that drum a little louder — I think we have it in us to try! But until they come around, the source of the schism between the left and Silicon Valley’s murderous, fascist tech maggots will remain a mystery.

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