Windex Ain’t Scared: Here’s Our Statement on Israel/Palestine
Hold on to your butts
***What follows is a guest column from Windex Customer Relations***
In recent years, it’s become common for companies and institutions to make statements in response to world events. Covid, the death of George Floyd, and the Supreme Court decisions on abortion and affirmative action all compelled companies, universities, and other organizations to go on-record.
The horror in Israel and Gaza is the type of event that one would expect to prompt an avalanche of statements. And yet, many groups that previously spoke of a moral imperative to denounce injustice have fallen silent. Some have professed a newfound commitment to institutional neutrality, while others have been torn apart by internal dissent. They likely fear a misstep that could damage their standing.
Let it be known: Windex — America’s #1 glass and surface cleaner — will not succumb to such institutional dicklessness. We are sickened by the cowardice of companies who strutted around like they were Nelson fucking Mandela after issuing pro-forma George Floyd statements but have now fallen silent on Israel-Palestine. Windex will not make that mistake. We are, after all, known for two things: 1) Being the multi-purpose cleaner that brings a streak-free sparkle to any surface, and 2) Big, pendulous balls. We would no sooner compromise our reputation as a cleanser with cojones más grandes than we would surrender in our eternal struggle against fingerprints, dirt, and grime.
Therefore, here is our statement on Israel/Palestine:
Windex believes that the collective lands of Israel/Palestine belong to the Natufian people, who lived in the region during the Late Epipaleolithic Era, circa 10,000 BCE. The Israelis and Palestinians — as well as the Druze, Bedouins, and other peoples of the region — are interlopers with no legitimate claim to the land.
Not what you expected? Well, guess what: Windex don’t fuckin’ care. Windex doesn’t make statements to be popular; we make them because there are hard truths that people need to hear whether they like it or not. If you want someone to stroke your hair and whisper soft comforts in your ear, then we suggest you seek out a statement from a company that will pander to your oh-so-delicate sensibilities. Like Oreos, for example. What a pathetic bunch of cucks they are.
Windex believes many things. And we’re not going to sit around with our thumbs up our asses waiting for an opportunity to speak out. Here are some other things that Windex believes:
The war in Ukraine is going to make for a fucking awesome edition of Call of Duty.
Quebec should be granted independence from Canada, and then the United States should blow it to hell.
Abortion should be safe, legal, and hilarious.
The moon landing was faked by ABC because they couldn’t come up with a good show to compete with I Dream of Jeannie.
Ain’t no cure for the Mondays like a good ol’ fashioned witch burnin’.
Pol Pot was framed.
Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in The Vagina Monologues.
If you’re at an ice cream shop and you sample more than three flavors, the people behind you in line should be allowed to catapult you into the ocean.
Denmark has run its course.
There are only two genders: redheads and people who put ketchup on scrambled eggs.
Don’t like those opinions? Well, we’ll say it again — and we absolutely cannot stress this enough — WINDEX…DON’T…FUCKING…CARE. We’re not here to spoon-feed Pablum to our dumb-as-dogshit fans — we’re not fucking Oreos. Windex is for big boys and girls, and we didn’t become a dick-swinging Alpha Dog of a cleaner that terrorizes the nightmares of streaks and smudges by playing it safe.
If what we’ve said has gotten your frilly little panties into an irreparable twist, then go ahead: Stop buying Windex. Clean your mirrors with dish soap, see if we care — enjoy your foggy, streak-laden surfaces, bitches. Of course, after more than 80 years in the glass-cleaning game, Windex still has no name-brand competitors. Did you ever notice that? Our only “competitors” are store-brand knock offs — Glass-O and Streak-B-Gone and fucking Hippie Freida’s All-Organic Glass Caresser. Why do you think that is? It’s because Windex is The Glass Cleaner That Fucks, and everyone knows it. Go ahead and buy one of those substandard piss-tinctures — we’ll see you in a week when you come crawling back.
The crisis in Gaza continues to unfold. Hamas is still holding hostages, and Israel is raining down bombs. But where are the institutions who gave endless sermons about the importance of speaking out in the summer of 2020? Where are Snickers, and Pepperdine University, and the Sacramento Public Library, to name just a few? Most of all: Where are those self-righteous bastards at Oreo, who spent the Racial Reckoning bending our ear about moral clarity like they were Martin Luther King, Jesus, and Jiminy Cricket rolled into one? They’re off hiding behind their mommy’s skirt — that’s where they are. Meanwhile, Windex stands in front of the world with our balls out saying “come at us”. You have our statement on Israel/Palestine. You can like it, or you can suck our dicks. Either way, Windex just don’t fuckin’ care.
To be clear, Windex is committed to transparency.
The fact that the Windex team cannot bring itself to even mention the name Glass Plus, smells of cowardice and ammonia.