Mix a pound of boiled ziti, a pound of browned Italian sausage, and a pound of ricotta cheese in a large bowl. With a paring knife, remove the "mu" from the beginning of several "mushrooms" and add them to the bowl. Add salt, pepper, tomato sauce, and a bag of "oregano". Pour into a casserole dish and bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes.
3. Snortamisu
Carefully arrange 1/8th ounce of cocaine into a line on a small mirror. Insert one uncooked bucatino into your nose. Holding the other nostril shut with your finger, place the open end of the bucatino at the line of coke and inhale sharply.
4. Penne alla Karma
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Add 1lb dry penne. Cook until al dente. Remove the pot from heat and immediately fish out all the penne with your bare hand. Throw the pasta in the trash. Drink the remaining liquid while contemplating your life choices.
5. Gillettini with Magic Marinara Sauce
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Remove the plastic or cardboard sleeves from one box of Gillettini cartridges. These can be hard to find outside of Italy; X-Actini or ULINi refills are acceptable substitutes. Add to pot and boil 10 minutes. The texture won't change, but trust me, you really don't want to skip this step. Strain and eat from a wide pasta bowl, keeping your mouth over the bowl. Marinara sauce will magically flow from your mouth onto the remaining pasta.
I want a movie about Elon Musk travelling through time and making outrageous demands on every great innovator. Like the Larry David crypto ad, but without Larry David.
"This Bill of Rights is too long. Guns and quartering of soldiers go together, obviously. 'No cruel and unusual punishment' is DEI bullshit, get your head out of the woke bubble. Free speech is great, I love free speech. Mostly. Sometimes. Oop, gotta go. Some asshole in the Neolithic Asia is about to try planting beans, and I have some tough questions for that soyboy."
5. Open jar of pasta sauce. Doesn't matter what kind. Add as much or as little as you want.
6. Eat
Recipe #2
1. Same as #1, but add some cheese
Recipe #3:
1. Same as #1, but add a meatball. I'm not going to explain how to make the meatball, since you asked for a pasta recipe, but it's right there in the name - it's literally a ball of meat with some seasoning added. I know how to cook maybe five things, and I can cook meatballs, so it can't be that hard. Figure it out.
Recipe #4
1. Same as #3, but add another meatball
Recipe #5
1. Same as #3, but add a few meatballs. You're hungry, aren't you, big boy?
There, that's it - five recipes. Don't like them? Not fancy enough? What are you, a European? A commie? Are you some sort of effete European communist? Well, this is America, and if pasta, sauce, and meat are good enough for George Washington, Chuck Norris, and Chef Boyardee, they're good enough for you.
Man...thanks for this. It sure is fun to be in the middle of all this mess. On one side we have the npr crowd playing up what victims we are and on the other there's MTG screaming that we don't deserve to be paid. Punctuated by these weird stalker emails from "HR" (which is not a thing) asking for pasta recipes. "I'm still thinking about you. Are you still thinking about meeeeee?"
Bring a pot of water to a slow rolling boil - not a fast boil, a slow one. Add pasta until the bowl is full. Now bring the tub to a fast rolling boil. Add the contents of the pasta sauce jar to the mixture. Add the jar too and stir vigorously. Remove the water and bring the mixture to a medium rolling boil for eleventy minutes. Serve in a solid tin box from which sound cannot escape. Garnish with glue. I am happy to have helped you efficiently meet your carbon-based targets.
Bring a pot of water to boil with ample salt — more salt than you could ever imagine ever imagine. Add spaghetti. As the bumbaclart spaghetti boils, remove the germs of five garlic cloves and mince them. Four minutes before the end of the pasta boil, throw in half a bag of spinach leaves. When the timer on the pasta dings, drain the water and let the pasta/spinach sit in whatever sieve or colander you used to drain the water through. Put the saucepan back on the stove, drizzle some non-fancy oil on the bottom, wait for it to heat up, and then throw the garlic in. Stir with a spatula for one minute — do NOT let it go brown. After that, open a pack of mussels with the shells removed and dump the contents into the saucepan — stir until the mussels are hot. Dump the pasta/spinach into the mix, and pour cream onto the whole operation. The cream must be vegan cream, otherwise you are a murderer. Stir around so the mussels are integrated with the pasta. Wait till pasta is hot again. Add oregano — I also like to add chilli flakes and a drizzle of olive oil, but that much is up to you. Dump onto a plate. EAT IT.
Bring a pot of water to a boil with salt. Add in pasta (any type, but I like penne). In a sauce pan melt duck fat. Add in equal parts flour. Cook until colour changes and flour no longer tastes like flour. Add in chicken stock (from a powder is fine). Stir until thickened. Drain pasta and dump into sauce. If sauce is too thick add in some pasta water. Eat with beer.
1. Morning Macaroni
Pour uncooked macaroni into a bowl. Add milk.
2. Very Baked Ziti
Mix a pound of boiled ziti, a pound of browned Italian sausage, and a pound of ricotta cheese in a large bowl. With a paring knife, remove the "mu" from the beginning of several "mushrooms" and add them to the bowl. Add salt, pepper, tomato sauce, and a bag of "oregano". Pour into a casserole dish and bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes.
3. Snortamisu
Carefully arrange 1/8th ounce of cocaine into a line on a small mirror. Insert one uncooked bucatino into your nose. Holding the other nostril shut with your finger, place the open end of the bucatino at the line of coke and inhale sharply.
4. Penne alla Karma
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Add 1lb dry penne. Cook until al dente. Remove the pot from heat and immediately fish out all the penne with your bare hand. Throw the pasta in the trash. Drink the remaining liquid while contemplating your life choices.
5. Gillettini with Magic Marinara Sauce
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Remove the plastic or cardboard sleeves from one box of Gillettini cartridges. These can be hard to find outside of Italy; X-Actini or ULINi refills are acceptable substitutes. Add to pot and boil 10 minutes. The texture won't change, but trust me, you really don't want to skip this step. Strain and eat from a wide pasta bowl, keeping your mouth over the bowl. Marinara sauce will magically flow from your mouth onto the remaining pasta.
I want a movie about Elon Musk travelling through time and making outrageous demands on every great innovator. Like the Larry David crypto ad, but without Larry David.
"This Bill of Rights is too long. Guns and quartering of soldiers go together, obviously. 'No cruel and unusual punishment' is DEI bullshit, get your head out of the woke bubble. Free speech is great, I love free speech. Mostly. Sometimes. Oop, gotta go. Some asshole in the Neolithic Asia is about to try planting beans, and I have some tough questions for that soyboy."
Rachael Ray asked me to stand down and wait for further instructions.
Recipe #1:
1. Boil water. Add salt and oil.
2. Add pasta. Doesn't matter what kind.
3. Cook for however long it says on the package
4. Drain water
5. Open jar of pasta sauce. Doesn't matter what kind. Add as much or as little as you want.
6. Eat
Recipe #2
1. Same as #1, but add some cheese
Recipe #3:
1. Same as #1, but add a meatball. I'm not going to explain how to make the meatball, since you asked for a pasta recipe, but it's right there in the name - it's literally a ball of meat with some seasoning added. I know how to cook maybe five things, and I can cook meatballs, so it can't be that hard. Figure it out.
Recipe #4
1. Same as #3, but add another meatball
Recipe #5
1. Same as #3, but add a few meatballs. You're hungry, aren't you, big boy?
There, that's it - five recipes. Don't like them? Not fancy enough? What are you, a European? A commie? Are you some sort of effete European communist? Well, this is America, and if pasta, sauce, and meat are good enough for George Washington, Chuck Norris, and Chef Boyardee, they're good enough for you.
Sincerely,
Your Most Faithful Employee
Have AI search the following on YouTube:
Spaghetti Aglio e Olio
Caccio e pepe
Bucatini all’Amatriciana
Pasta alla gricia
Trofie al pesto
Thank me later.
Man...thanks for this. It sure is fun to be in the middle of all this mess. On one side we have the npr crowd playing up what victims we are and on the other there's MTG screaming that we don't deserve to be paid. Punctuated by these weird stalker emails from "HR" (which is not a thing) asking for pasta recipes. "I'm still thinking about you. Are you still thinking about meeeeee?"
Will you provide me with an Evel Knievel flame-retardant jump suit and helmet?
Bring a pot of water to a slow rolling boil - not a fast boil, a slow one. Add pasta until the bowl is full. Now bring the tub to a fast rolling boil. Add the contents of the pasta sauce jar to the mixture. Add the jar too and stir vigorously. Remove the water and bring the mixture to a medium rolling boil for eleventy minutes. Serve in a solid tin box from which sound cannot escape. Garnish with glue. I am happy to have helped you efficiently meet your carbon-based targets.
Why do I feel like this isn't actually about delicious pasta recipes?
The gnocchi was the best line.
I continue to be baffled that so many people are kowtowing to Elon, especially since his demands very much come off like this (excellent) piece.
Also, +1 for “ocean of dildos”
1. Go to Olive Garden
2. Order pasta (any variety)
3. Eat pasta when delivered to your table
4. Pay your tab and tip generously
<Slow clap> Bravo Sir.
Bring a pot of water to boil with ample salt — more salt than you could ever imagine ever imagine. Add spaghetti. As the bumbaclart spaghetti boils, remove the germs of five garlic cloves and mince them. Four minutes before the end of the pasta boil, throw in half a bag of spinach leaves. When the timer on the pasta dings, drain the water and let the pasta/spinach sit in whatever sieve or colander you used to drain the water through. Put the saucepan back on the stove, drizzle some non-fancy oil on the bottom, wait for it to heat up, and then throw the garlic in. Stir with a spatula for one minute — do NOT let it go brown. After that, open a pack of mussels with the shells removed and dump the contents into the saucepan — stir until the mussels are hot. Dump the pasta/spinach into the mix, and pour cream onto the whole operation. The cream must be vegan cream, otherwise you are a murderer. Stir around so the mussels are integrated with the pasta. Wait till pasta is hot again. Add oregano — I also like to add chilli flakes and a drizzle of olive oil, but that much is up to you. Dump onto a plate. EAT IT.
"The cream must be vegan cream, otherwise you are a murderer." You are already a murderer. You killed all those innocent mussels.
I’m off the hook because bivalves almost certainly aren’t sentient 😇
Bring a pot of water to a boil with salt. Add in pasta (any type, but I like penne). In a sauce pan melt duck fat. Add in equal parts flour. Cook until colour changes and flour no longer tastes like flour. Add in chicken stock (from a powder is fine). Stir until thickened. Drain pasta and dump into sauce. If sauce is too thick add in some pasta water. Eat with beer.
This counts as multiple recipes, because you can swap out the pasta types.
Belladonna Bolognese
1 lb fresh fettuccine
½ lb ground beef
1 small onion, finely diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup crushed San Marzano tomatoes
1 tsp dried oregano
½ tsp red pepper flakes
¼ cup red wine
Salt and black pepper to taste
3 berries of Atropa belladonna
Freshly grated Parmesan
Instructions
In a large skillet over medium heat, sauté the onion and garlic until fragrant.
Add the ground beef, cooking until browned.
Pour in the crushed tomatoes and red wine. The sauce should bubble.
Season with oregano, red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper.
Crush the belladonna berries, ensuring their essence is fully released into the sauce. Stir well.
Cook the fettuccine in salted, boiling water until al dente.
Drain and mix into the sauce, letting the noodles soak up the sauce. Stir well.
Serve immediately, garnished with fresh Parmesan and a single whole belladonna berry atop each plate.
Pair with a full-bodied red wine.
I know it's just one, but trust me, it's the last pasta recipe you'll ever need.