BREAKING: Pretext for Putting Pics of Hot Women in Article Found
Hotties engage in newsworthy actions, if only barely
In a turn of events that thrilled media producers and consumers alike, the nation’s thirst traps took actions on Monday that made it possible to rationalize attaching high-definition photographs of them to otherwise uninteresting articles. The emergence of a thin excuse to post borderline-pornographic photos of celebrity smoke shows was celebrated by both publishers and horn dogs across the nation.
The Met Gala — an annual New York event that is perhaps an art show or maybe a concert or something — was held Monday night. Though the substance of the event remained uninteresting to 99 percent of media consumers, the gala featured numerous tight-bodied stunners wearing scandalous costumes in the name of “art” or whatever. This allowed publishers to farm clicks from America’s sizable perv community while maintaining a thin pretext of journalistic integrity.
“If I had to lead with another article about Iran, I’d blow my brains out,” said New York Times executive editor Joseph Kahn. “But now I can run the Iran crap next to a photo of Zoe Kravitz, and presto: It’s like the Iran stuff isn’t even there.” Kahn added that the Times’ digital team was currently building an interactive slide show so that any visitor to their web site will encounter an eye-catching smörgåsbord of half-naked throtties instead of an article about redistricting.
While legacy media took pains to include nuggets of journalistic pretext among the ocean of T&A, new media sources were more cavalier. Independent writers across the nation produced “fashion review” articles that were merely a torrent of photos with the occasional bitchy comment interspersed. “It’s funny,” said Tamryn Pham, writer of the “Shade Theory” Substack, “If I published a bunch of photos of mostly-naked women, that would basically make me Maxim magazine. But if the woman is Zendaya, and I write ‘BRAT’ or even just ‘🔥🤫🔥’ under the photo, that makes me a culture writer.” Substack’s political writers also expressed gratitude to New York mayor Zohran Mamdani, whose decision not to attend provided just enough of a political hook to justify publishing this photo of Doja Cat:
Despite the positive response to the skin-baring celebrities, media experts warned that publishers should be mindful of how the photos are presented. “You need to include a few guys in there,” said Todd Szymanski of the American Press Institute. “A few guys and some uggos — that way, you can pretend that you’re commenting on fashion or whatever. But you’ll still get clicks from the horn dogs.” Szymanski noted that the Met Gala seemed to be acutely aware of this balance. “The theme this year is something about body types or some shit, so they’ll trot out a few geezers and blimps,” he said. “But that’s just so that when Sydney Sweeney shows up wearing a dress made of three cheerios tied together with dental floss, everyone can be like ‘Oh, it’s art. I’m enjoying art — I am an art connoisseur. Please ignore my massive boner.’”
Though it’s well-established that straight men click on pictures of hot women like lab rats trained to press a bar to receive a food pellet, analytics have revealed a second market for the barely-justified photos. “Women click on them, too,” said Valerie Shea of the advertising group Westin & Mane. “For some reason, women like to feel bad about themselves. Photos of impossibly perfect women living uncommonly glamorous lives do that, and women just can’t stop themselves from looking,” she said. “The market for these photos is so big,” she continued, “that media outlets will treat a mundane story like ‘Pretty Lady Appears On Talk Show’ — which happens three-to-five times daily — like it’s Pearl Harbor and the return of Christ rolled into one.”
Though media insiders expressed confidence that publishers would milk the Met Gala photos until the teat is dry as a corn husk, they warned that the bonanza would not last forever. “By Memorial Day, they’ll need a new excuse to run photos of an 88-percent-naked Dua Lipa,” Szymanski said. “So at that point, someone will need to create a controversy. The controversy could be anything — a slightly saucy tweet from five years ago, a rumored movie role, or literally any comment whatsoever on Israel and Palestine. All that matters is that someone runs a headline saying ‘Hey, This Person, Blah Blah’, and at that point, the controversy officially exists. And then a billion new pieces can be produced, all of them featuring photos of Dua Lipa’s bare side-ass.”
Legislation is currently pending in Congress that would require America’s sexy celebrities to periodically engage in actions that drive content. The GODDAMN! Act (“Get Our Darling Damsels Abreast the Media Now!”) would require any female aged 18-35 with a Q score of 20 or higher to engage in newsworthy actions once a month or face imprisonment. “Being a bombshell comes with responsibilities,” said Charles Grassley (R-IA), the bill’s author. “And one of those responsibilities is to do something — anything, really — so that America’s hard-working news consumers can get a chub on instead of reading about the debt ceiling.”
For the moment, the Met Gala is thrilling moguls and masturbators alike. Concerns that a major-but-boring news story might materialize that would push the skin fest to the back page have not been borne out. “This could be the biggest season for thirsty photos masquerading as news since Maria Sharapova won Wimbledon,” said Shea. “And it could cause a cascading effect: A piece about the way that photos drive clicks is, itself, potential fodder for another piece. And then the door is open for endless ‘people are talking about’ pieces. And the folks who write those pieces won’t have any trouble figuring out what type of photo to put at the top.”
Nice article! It was very interesting, and I saw you padded it with some sort of text.
As Thomas Jefferson famously put it, “were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter. Especially if the latter includes a regular stream of tits and ass masquerading as news.”