God I Hope the Obamas Get Divorced

That would be a huge get for divorced people

The Obamas on stage at the Democratic National Convention in 2024. (photo from Mandel Ngan via Getty)

The internet is swirling with rumors that Michelle and Barack Obama might get divorced. Of course, internet rumors are the lowest form of human communication, even lower than flinging poo or keying “ASSFACE” into someone’s car. To wit, one piece of “evidence” fueling the rumors is that people found this birthday post from Barack to Michelle insufficiently steamy:

So…they’re clasping hands from across a table. Isn’t that normal? Where do you sit during a two-person dinner — they’d only be sitting side-by-side if they were having their anniversary dinner at Greasy Pete’s Truck Stop Diner and Off-Track Betting Parlor. I guess people wanted to see Michelle grinding her ass into the ex-president’s pelvis, as former first ladies so often do.

People also made a lot of the fact that Michelle didn’t attend Trump’s inauguration. But that doesn’t strike me as strange — I wouldn’t attend Trump’s inauguration if it was literally down the street. And it literally was; I walked around the inauguration that day to pick up a sandwich.

Michelle has denied the divorce rumors, and the pair were recently spotted at a DC restaurant — kind of the Greasy Pete’s of Georgetown — so there’s probably no “there” there. But if there’s not, I’m disappointed. I would be thrilled if the Obamas got divorced. Don’t get me wrong: I want both of them to be happy, and I want their kids to be happy, too. But “I want them to be happy” doesn’t mean “I hope they stay married” — who knows which path would make them happier? Hopefully they do; I definitely don’t. I just hope that they get divorced because I’m divorced, and I think it’s good to periodically remind people: Divorce happens, and there shouldn’t be a stigma around it.

There is still some stigma around divorce. Granted, the stigma is much less than it used to be; divorced women used to get treated like dogs back when “respectable” women had the luxury of being treated like cattle. These days, divorce is frowned upon less, but you still have something of a scarlett “D” on your chest — it’s kind of a monogram-sized “D”, like the logo on a polo shirt. Talking about your divorce in a casual setting is like talking about your butthole in a casual setting, it weirds people out, and that goes to show that divorce is still seen as generally bad, and not a thing that simply happens.

But let’s get a few things straight. First: The thing that’s considered “normal” — two people marrying when they’re young and then staying happily married for decades — is an incredible, odds-defying feat. It usually requires some luck: Two people’s lives will inevitably have twists and turns, and if those twists and turns go in the same direction, the two people will probably stay married, but if their paths diverge, they might not. And, sure, people stayed married more in the old days, but the magic ingredient there seems to be “staying in the marriage even when you’d like to see the other person pecked to death by crows”. My dad’s parents were married for 60 years, and I’m not sure that they even sort-of liked each other. There’s an old joke — I think it’s Rodney Dangerfield — that goes “My wife and I have been together for 30 beautiful years…50 total!” The fact that people laughed at that generations ago goes to show: Even a marriage that survives isn’t necessarily easy.

Divorce is good sometimes. I won’t say that it’s always good; I try to keep the peppy Pollyanna-ish bullshit to a minimum on this blog. But sometimes, divorce is good, and it can even be good when it seems bad at the time. My divorce seemed bad at the time; it was certainly not a graceful, “conscious uncoupling” that represented two people growing apart. It was more like two rednecks fighting over half a carton of fries in a White Castle — it was trashy as hell. And I didn’t want it; I was the dump-ee. But now, more than a decade later, I thank God that it happened. I’m in a much better marriage now, we have a kid, I’m in a good place, and none of that would have been possible if I had stayed in a marriage that I now realize was a doomed ship that was always going to sink beneath the waves.

Most people consider Barack Obama to be a pretty successful guy. And most people consider Michelle Obama to be a woman with a fair amount on the ball. Without a doubt, their wholesome family image was part of Barack’s electoral appeal. If they get divorced, some people will think “I guess it was all a sham,” but they shouldn’t think that — they should think “these things happen, even to stable, accomplished people.” And if the Obamas don’t get divorced, people should still think that, because it’s true.

There’s an old Onion article with the headline: “Rare Disease Nabs Big-Time Celebrity Spokesman”. The joke is that the people who run a foundation for a rare disease are tickled pink that Ted Danson has the disease. That’s how I feel about a potential Obama divorce — they would be a huge boost to our brand! Public opinion about divorce has come a long way, and it can come a bit further, still. And I think that two appealing, charismatic, and undeniably successful people joining our ranks might be the boost that we need. And if Michelle throws a toaster at a shirtless Barack on the front lawn of their Chicago home shortly before it happens, then all the better.

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