GUEST COLUMN: I'll Publish "The Winds of Winter" As Soon As I'm Done Describing All the Boobs

And not a moment before

My upcoming novel — The Winds of Winter — has been called “the most eagerly anticipated novel of all time”. I’m humbled by the interest; when I started the “A Song of Ice and Fire” book series more than 30 years ago, I never could have imagined the passion it would inspire. Now, after five novels, a wildly popular TV adaptation, and fan fiction that could plausibly be called its own literary genre, this epic story is reaching its apex. I owe it to my fans to give this opus the ending it deserves.

And that’s why I give my solemn word: I will not publish The Winds of Winter until every last pert, glistening boob in this epic story is described down to the smallest detail.

There are four elements to a great story: plot, character, world, and tits. Each element — if done properly — reinforces the others. The world inspires the characters. The characters prove their mettle via the plot. The plot, in turn, reinforces the world. And each element gives you an excuse to write about the big, heaving hooters that move books off the shelves. Any writer worth his salt knows this.

I’ve been honing my craft since the ‘70s. When I look back at my early work, I chuckle at how much I still had to learn. My characters were wooden. My plot points were forced. My worlds lacked the vivid detail that would characterize my later work. Just about the only part I was getting right was the boobs; my knocker-description game was pretty much on point from day one. For all the faults in my early work, you cannot argue that it lacks florid descriptions of colossal, bare bazongas, because it does not. I don’t think it’s self-serving to say that I’ve been pretty much going from peak to peak as far as committing detailed accounts of primo jugs to print is concerned.

I’ve grown as a writer. Over the years, I’ve conjured iconic characters like Tyrion Lannister and Lady Stoneheart, engineered shocking plot twists like the Red Wedding, and imagined an entire world that’s continents wide. Yet the most potent weapon in my literary arsenal continues to be my ability to render melons so vividly you’d swear you were groping them in a dank medieval brothel yourself. And though many consider my early renderings of sweater puppets to be the zenith of the artform, I remain tireless in pursuit of perfection. I owe the art no less. After all: Did Michelangelo stop after painting the Sistine Chapel? Did Mozart write The Marriage of Figaro and decide: “Good enough”? No. And neither will I rest while so many hefty, jiggling ta-tas remain tragically undescribed.

I’m happy to report that The Winds of Winter contains not only the most, but also the best bazooms I’ve described to date. I think fans will love my new ideas for boobs! But “very good” is simply not good enough when it comes to putting the capstone on this epic tale of fire, ice, and bodacious racks. That’s why I’ve devoted 14 hours a day, six days a week for the past 11 years to describing every single funbag in the Seven Kingdoms right down to the very last nipple. It’s been grueling work and much remains to be done, but I refuse to quit.

Honestly, the other parts of the story are pretty much finished. I had the characters and story almost entirely worked out by the time I published A Dance with Dragons in 2011. By 2012, I’d say the novel was basically done. Except for the hooter descriptions. So, I’ve spent the last decade polishing that element to a high shine. My progress has been fairly steady except for six months in which I got writer’s block while trying to describe one of Melisandre’s nipples.

I refuse to rush this process! I believe that even the smallest choice can prove critical. For example, in the scene where Daenerys is impregnated by the Night King (Whoops! I should have said “spoiler alert”!), should her breasts be described as “willowy” or “supple”? I’ve gone back and forth a thousand times. I feel that “willowy” better captures their rather-substantial carriage, while “supple” invokes a tactile experience. Mind you, this one adjective is in addition to five pages of grandiloquent boob prose; that in no way lessens my determination to get it right. I lost basically all of 2021 to this single question, and if it takes me another year to select the right word, I say: So be it.

Rest assured: When the knocker descriptions are complete, The Winds of Winter will be rushed to press. Only 917 melons remain to be described, so the book is imminent! I’d say it’ll be just a few more years, possibly a decade or two at the outside. I know that my fans are eager to experience the final stages of this story, but I’m equally aware that a book that fails to deliver exhaustive descriptions of milk monsters would disappoint. I’m sure that devotees of the series would want me to execute my vision down to the very last areola, even if that means waiting years or decades and running the risk of me passing away with the story unfinished.

The only copy of the finished-except-for-the-boobs manuscript remains securely locked in a safe whose combination is known only to me. This ensures that a book that fails to describe the shape, malleability, and oiliness of every blouse clown from Winterfell to Qarth will never see the light of day. That is my vow to my loyal fans. I will never let you down. I remain committed to this project and will work tirelessly towards its completion, even if I have to sit at my desk writing lurid descriptions of cuddle puppies for the next 30 years.

[Ed. note: Mr. Martin passed away shortly after submitting this column for publication. He will be missed.]

For the lawyers: This was a bit. George R.R. Martin had nothing to do with it.