I Regret to Inform You That I Will Not Be Attending Your Dumb Little Civil War for Dorks

I have a conflict

To Whom It May Concern:

I am flattered to have received the many overtures in the wake of the Charlie Kirk shooting inviting me to a Second American Civil War. These missives have been graciously received and duly considered. You seem quite enthusiastic about this venture, and I have no doubt that you will throw a first rate Civil War that will have social media buzzing for years to come.

However, I regret to inform you that I will not be attending your Civil War. I’m afraid that circumstances make it simply impossible. Allow me to explain…

For starters, there are scheduling issues. I have a strict video game/eating Cheez-Its/watching dumb shit on my phone until 1AM regimen that I do not like to disrupt. Further, the ribbed and non-ribbed paper clips in my junk drawer are all mixed together, so I urgently need to sort that out. Finally, there’s Going Dutch, the Fox sitcom about a US Army colonel assigned to a backwater base in the Netherlands — that airs Thursdays at 9:30, and I refuse to miss it. You might think “couldn’t you DVR it?”, but that leaves me vulnerable to Going Dutch spoilers — I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on a train or in a coffee shop and heard people discussing the details of last night’s Going Dutch. So, that won’t work. The bare truth is that if I have to choose between a Civil War and Denis Leary’s antics as a gruff-but-loving father, I choose the latter. I hope you understand.

Further — I’ll be honest — I’m not entirely sure what, exactly, Civil War II is meant to be. Is it a literal armed conflict? Between whom, exactly, and pursuing what goals? Are armies led by Alex Jones and Matt Walsh going to meet at Gettysburg against well-drilled soldiers led by Hasan Piker and Krystal Ball? Will bayonets be involved? Do we have to grow beards? Will I need to write eloquent letters home to my wife so that Ken Burns VI can hire Robot Sam Waterston to read them in a PBS documentary about the war? That seems like a lot of pressure; I mostly just text with my wife, and I doubt that even Robot Sam will be able to squeeze the emotional heft out of the words “thumbs-up emoji” that KB6 will want.

In reality, is Civil War II: No Lincoln, No Limits going to be one of those street tiffs where Oath Keeper dickheads scrap with ANTIFA jerk-offs in a Battle Of The Unfuckables? Will it be that thing where everyone in the “battle” has their phone in one hand, because the whole thing is really just a social media wankfest? Will they have the homemade “riot gear” you often see — will there be a Proud Boy with a trash can lid shield waving a curtain rod at some ANTIFA douche in a Storm Trooper helmet? If that’s the case: Count me out. And if that’s not the case: Also count me out, because I don’t believe you when you say “that’s not the case”.

And, respectfully, isn’t the very notion of a Second Civil War just a bunch of online dipshittery pushed by morons and clout chasers whose brains are every bit as riddled by the social media virus as the zombies in The Last of Us are overcome by fungus? Isn’t it just more of the click-farming hyperbole that poisons our national dialogue and drives people insane? Isn’t the whole thing an emotionally unhealthy circle jerk fueled by single-brain-celled narcissists who would burn the country down if it would gain them the slightest advantage in the attention economy? Aren’t you trying to drag us to hell simply because you’re bored, and unhappy, and you yearn for chaos because you’re desperate for something — anything! — to alter the trajectory of your sad little life?

No? Well, fair enough. But there’s still the Going Dutch problem that we haven’t solved.

And, finally, if I may be so bold as to ask: How many of you are in the United States, anyway? Drew Pavlou is Australian, Ian Miles Cheong is Malaysian, Tim Pool gets money from Russia…are Americans at each other’s throats, or are foreigners trying to get Americans to be at each other’s throats? When #1PatriotEagle shows up in my comments spitting fire, is that really a disillusioned ‘Nam vet somewhere in Texas, or is it a KGB agent using AI to help him get his English just right when he calls me “a libtard Zionist cocksucker"? Is this dialogue possibly mostly Russian agents mixing it up with Chinese agents, and every time we “like” a post that says “the gloves are off” or “THIS…MEANS…WAR”, we’re dupes in a foreign intelligence operation? Last time I asked this question, many people appeared in my comments section to say “Chill down, compatriot — this is no circumstance in which to birth a cow. Your misgivings have no facts. Reduce suspicions!” Which is a good point, but sometimes I still wonder.

So — with my deepest apologies — I will not be attending your dumb online pissing match for sad virgins. Thank you for the invitation, though! I’m sure you’ll have a successful event; the nature of social media algorithms virtually guarantees it. And I hope you’ll keep me in mind for future events, as long as they’re not Thursday at 9:30, and as long as they’re not craven attempts to gain influence by sowing hate and division.

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