If You're Not Hot-Gluing Your Scrotum to the Venus de Milo, Then I Don't Believe You Really Care About Climate Justice

Let's see some real action

Photo from rjhuttondfw

Yesterday, a man glued his face to Vermeer’s “Girl With a Pearl Earring” to draw attention to climate change. This comes on the heels of demonstrations in which protesters glued their hands to museum walls and threw food on paintings by Monet and Van Gogh. These events are part of a larger trend of protesters gluing themselves to great works of art across Europe to advance the cause of climate justice.

Many people have derided these protesters. They’ve called them unserious and mocked them for choosing tactics that are unlikely to mitigate climate change. I have to say: I agree. These protests are misguided. Because the goal of climate justice will remain out of reach until some intrepid climate warrior goes sack-out at the Louvre an permanently fastens his balls to the Venus de Milo.

Climate change is the great challenge of our time. It’s beyond doubt that the Earth is warming, and that human activity is the cause. We must act — and act quickly — to avoid catastrophe. Some people think our salvation will come from inventing low-carbon technology, while others focus on creating markets to hasten those advances. Which is all well and good, but I ask you: What about the confusion and disdain caused by defacing great works that have no apparent connection to greenhouse gas emissions? Can we afford to leave that card un-played? Or does the urgency of the moment suggest — nay, demand — that we glue various body parts to various artworks until the magic combination that saves the planet is discovered?

Let’s not mince words: These protesters are idiots. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows that you won’t solve climate change by gluing your face to “The Girl With the Pearl Earring”. For starters: It’s not even Vermeer’s best work. This list ranks it as his eighth-best; “View of Delft” is clearly superior in both composition and theme. And frankly, I’m skeptical that the challenge of finding alternate energy sources will be solved by gluing ourselves to anything less than classical masterpieces. I’m talking ancient works — the pediments of the Parthenon, or Tutankhamun’s burial mask, for example. Only when I open the paper and see some brave climate warrior permanently attached to “The Winged Victory of Samothrace” will I start to believe that solutions might be nigh.

Also: Only an amateur glues his face to something. Once you’ve been around for a while, you know that a more sensitive body part = more justice. That’s why we need to use our brains and get our ball sacks involved. At the risk of being gender-exclusive, nothing generates political capital quite like a glued nutsack — it’s a benefit that stems from the organ’s unique sensitivity. In a pinch, a labia will do, as will a clitoris (despite the obvious logistical challenges), and I applaud women who use these organs to their advantage. But at the end of the day, nothing wins people over quite like gluing your balls to something — it’s how Lincoln passed the 13th Amendment!

Let’s also talk adhesives. These protesters are using common super glue — some over-the-counter garbage from Walgreen’s. Absolute fucking amateur hour. As if the cops aren’t going to show up with some acetone and have you out of there in 15 minutes. You need something serious — take the time to seek out a black-hat chemist who’s sympathetic to your cause so that you can have a bonding agent with some staying power. It should be a polyimide adhesive that takes at least 30 seconds to set — that’s how you get a good bond. That’s how you let people know that you actually care about the Earth and aren’t just some cosplaying dilettante.

Nothing that I’m saying is proprietary knowledge. This feels like Political Action 101 — it’s honestly hard for me to remember a time when I didn’t know which body parts, artwork, and adhesives are mostly likely to affect political change. I’m sure that most of you feel the same way. Which forces me to conclude: These protesters are disingenuous. They say they care about the environment, but their actions tell a different story. I can’t take them seriously while their pants are still on and while their genitals aren’t searing from a chemical burn caused by an industrial-grade adhesive.

Shame on these milquetoast protesters! Let’s see some fucking commitment, assholes. Are you dodging the Louvre — where the Venus de Milo is kept — just because it’s a high-profile museum with advanced security? Well then I guess we’ll all burn alive because you can’t figure out how to get 8 ounces of Loctite Ultra Gel and a thermos of clam chowder past a security guard! Did these protesters think that solving climate change will be easy? It won’t be. As Max Weber said: “Politics is a strong and slow boring of hard boards.” Phrased another way: “If you’re not prepared to permanently attach your sack to a classical masterpiece, then you might as well stay home.”

National parks were established when John Muir stapled his dick to a Terracotta soldier. Erin Brockovich brought Pacific Gas & Electric to heel by epoxying both buttcheeks to Nefertiti’s burial mask. Acid rain was solved when an international coalition of leaders came together to rubber cement their taints to The Stele of Hammurabi. The recipe is clear: firm attachment + sensitive body part + classical work of art = environmental progress. That’s what it takes — that’s where solutions are found. We need brave climate warriors who are ready to make that commitment. If these protesters aren’t prepared to stand tall, drop trou, and firmly attach their fuzzy bean bag to a two thousand year-old Greek masterpiece, then I’m afraid I just can’t take them seriously.