Me Write Gud dnc Ah-top-see Replert!
By Paul Rivera
***Hello! I’m doing a Q&A on the podcast either this week or next week, so please send your questions, thoughts, and insults to questions@imightbewrong.org. Paid subscribers are far more likely to have their questions answered, because — as it says on the plaque beneath the Statue of Liberty — “Paid subscribers before free imbibers”.
From the editor:
In the wake of Kamala Harris’ 2024 loss, the Democratic National Committee commissioned an “autopsy” report to figure out what went wrong. But when the report was completed, DNC chair Ken Martin decided to keep it private, fueling speculation that the report contained information that would offend key constituencies. Last week, Martin reversed course and released the report, at which point the real reason for the secrecy became apparent: The document is incomplete, amateurish, and — in Martin’s own words — “Not ready for primetime”.
The man Martin put in charge of the report, Paul Rivera, has faced withering criticism. Then, last week, Mr. Rivera reached out to I Might Be Wrong requesting a platform to tell his side of the story. At least, that’s what we think happened — we received an email from “p.rivrea.loves.mcnuggits@askjeeves.com” that said “I words on you COMPOOTER!!!!!!” along with a picture of Mr. Rivera. Through great difficulty, we contacted Mr. Rivera and commissioned an op-ed, which arrived several days later in the form of glitter paint scrawls on a series of McDonald’s bags, handed to the I Might Be Wrong headquarters receptionist by a smiling and buck naked Mr. Rivera. That op-ed is published below.
Yo!
I have receeved super size crittercism four my dnc “ah top see” paper. This is bad, dumb, & gayballs. My re-port was MIGHTY and YUMMY and h8ters are gell-ass because this is truth:
R’eplert key find-os:
Harris didn’t do Enough vote’s
In electron, votes is key. Anyone n;ot doing votes 9shoul d get off there keesters & do votes untill their like “I COULD NTO P4OSSIBLEE EAT A’NOTHRR VOTE!!!!!”
Trump ddidd more vote’s
Trumps Stratego of morr vote’s prov;ed 2 bee D-cisisv. Trump did morr vote’s n Alibama, which gores first n the alfabit, and after th*at )peeple were “ah cripes hear wee go again :-(!!!”
McDonald’s shouldd bring back more sau^cases 4 McNuggets
Rememember when U could get says-shawn sauce?? says-shawn sauce was sooooooo gud!!! Also cajunn & sweet or spiicy but says-shawn was KING of the sauce!!! And who fire’d this guys??:
The McNugget Men were princes o’ Americuh in the 80s and un#like BILL COSBY and MIKE O’JACKSON not CANCLED 4 SEX CRIMES (alleggeddly). Demacrats shuld bring bac’k McNugget Men and have themm star in uh MOVIE that will heal Americuh!
That m)ovie wil be McNugget Men meets STAR WAR meets REMAINS O’ THE DAY.n Folows a smaal McNugget who want’s 2 B king butt cant b’ecaus unpure bloodlines. Forc’d to shoo horses & dig g>raves b’cause lowerr clas (and England). Then: LASERS! ALEX GUINASS! SPACE BATTIL!!!!!! McNugget becoms SPACE KI*NG and Kamama Haris wins PRESODENT in narow el”etron collij victorry!!!!
Mr. Rivera also enclosed scripts for three feature-length films based on the adventures of the McNugget Men; I Might Be Wrong has opted not to publish those scripts due to brevity concerns and because the scripts were shockingly pornographic. I Might Be Wrong remains committed to publishing a diversity of views, even — perhaps especially — views that are so goddamned stupid that they make you cringe on humanity’s behalf.
A truly thought provoking and trenchant analysis.