Paying for Early Access to Truth Social Posts Hasn’t Paid off Huge YET

But I’m sure it will!

It was a controversial decision in my house: I decided to pay $100,000 a month to get early access to Trump’s Truth Social posts. My wife is not sold on the move…YET. When I raised the idea, she was concerned that this scheme to give early access to market-altering information was clearly a grift. “I see how this benefits Trump,” she said, “But it seems like an obvious con, and taking out a second mortgage to fund this is insane.” I agreed on the latter point, which is why I funded this venture by getting a second reverse mortgage, selling the rights to any future children to a syndicate called “The Golden Fang”, and starting an OnlyFans that provides live video of my wife while she’s sleeping (but let’s keep that between us!).

Less than a month later, look who’s laughing: Me, based on how smart this move will soon prove to be! The big payday hasn’t happened yet, but I can tell it’s right around the corner. I’m currently getting what you might call hors d'oeuvres whetting the appetite for a grand feast — for example, I recently got a push alert for this:

As market signals go, I’d call that one “subtle”. This is a small score, not the Lufthansa heist, though I did capitalize on the tip by buying 10,000 shares of GooseGrub, the leading manufacturer of goose food and home-goose-care products. My wife still fails to understand my angle: “You paid a hundred thousand dollars for that?!?!?”, she hysterically shrieked. But she doesn’t know what she’s talking about: I paid a hundred thousand dollars a month for that, and also for sneak peeks at market-shaping content that’s a million times better than a Bloomberg terminal. Like this video, shared by the president on Saturday:

Allow me to explain the market implications of this post to any novice investors out there: Lake Ontario is now Lake America — we know that because we just saw the president personally travel to the lake and replace the sign. That alters navigation rights — our supply lines will no longer be threatened by the Maple Menace! And that’s a boon to any business whose goods go through the Great Lakes, which is why I bought stock in Land O’ Lakes, the Great Lakes Brewing Company, and Lake & Skye bath products. I also bought another 20,000 shares in GooseGrub, because it’s currently trading at 2¢ a share, so that seemed like a good “buy low” opportunity.

The president’s Truth Social feed is a cornucopia of important business information. There’s this clip of him golfing. This picture that looks like the poster for a Batman movie starring Trump. And this major update on the Iran War:

Yep: Kharg Island has been destroyed. WHY IS THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA NOT REPORTING ON THIS?!?!?! That’s a HUGE development! And with Iranian oil down for the count, I immediately went all-in on Aramco, the Saudi state oil company. Or at least, I meant to go all-in on Aramco: In my haste, I accidentally bought 500,000 shares of Adamco, the nation’s #2 distributor of memorabilia relating to Adam Savage of Mythbusters. And, sadly, that left me too cash-poor to buy Aramco. Unrelated: Look at this steal that I found on Ebay!

My wife — somehow — still doesn’t share my vision. The stress is keeping her up at night, which I know because I’m getting angry comments from people who paid good money to watch her sleep. I remain confident that my investment will pay off — why would Trump offer this deal if not to benefit others? And name one time that anyone has ever regretting trusting Donald Trump. I’m smart, I’m savvy — you’re the one who doesn’t understand that this insider trading grift is for companies that do flash trades, not individuals. And the one key post that will prove me right is surely right around the corner.

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