The CDC Would Like to Get Ahead of RFK Junior’s Future Statements

Let's get some stuff on the record NOW

Last week, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was blindsided by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s announcement that the coronavirus vaccine would no longer be recommended for pregnant women and healthy children. Our entire agency was shocked: RFK, Jr. made the surprise statement on Twitter without consulting anyone at the CDC, and only provided us with confusing and contradictory guidance later that day. We have since had to contradict the Secretary and clarify that the shot is still recommended.

The surprise announcement and subsequent walkback caused confusion. People look to the CDC for information, and it’s not ideal to reverse our position twice in 48 hours. Unfortunately, we can’t guarantee that this won’t happen again; the Secretary is a highly idiosyncratic man who often acts on impulse.

With that in mind, we at the CDC would like to reduce the likelihood of mass confusion by clarifying some situations that RFK Jr. may comment on at some point in the future. We can only speculate about what he might say, but based on his past actions and interests, some topics seem likely to draw his attention. So, the CDC would like to clarify a few key positions, which will continue to be CDC policy regardless of any statements made by RFK Jr.

The measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine is safe. There has been extensive research into the vaccine’s effects, and the health benefits far outweigh the risks. No link between the vaccine and autism has been found. No link between the vaccine and epilepsy has been found. No link between the vaccine and vampirism has been found. The vaccine will not turn you into a leprechaun, nor will it cause what social media posts call “Benjamin Button Syndrome”. Any claims that the vaccine causes major transformations — possibly including super powers that a person may enjoy for a short time before realizing that the powers come at a tremendous cost — are unfounded.

You cannot contract AIDS from processed foods. Internet rumors that a barrel of AIDS was spilled at a Pringles factory and that virus-containing cans of potato chips are on shelves across the country are untrue; AIDS remains only transmissible through bodily fluids. Any rumors of AIDS spreading through snack foods and microwave dinners are unfounded, as are rumors that you can cure AIDS by chugging an entire two-liter of Diet Mountain Dew in 30 seconds.

Raw milk does not cure rabies. If you’re exposed to rabies, do not attempt to treat rabies by drinking unpasteurized milk, bathing in unpasteurized milk, or performing an unpasteurized milk enema. This guidance applies even during a full moon — raw milk is an ineffective treatment at every point in the lunar cycle. There are also no known spells or incantations that imbue raw milk with healing powers; studies in which the Harry Potter movies were played backwards near vats of raw milk found no health benefits.

The Last of Us is not real. There is no strain of the cordyceps fungus that affects humans — that was made up for a video game. We would greatly appreciate it if you would stop sending the CDC samples of flour and pancake mix that you believe have been infected with cordyceps, since those powders resemble anthrax, which is real, and we have to have a HAZMAT team clear the entire building every time one of those packages is received.

The CDC has no recommendation on how you might “Jeff Goldblum in The Fly yourself”. Stop asking us. To the best of our knowledge, it is not possible to merge your DNA with that of a fly like in the 1986 David Cronenberg sci-fi thriller. Nor are there any known substances that will produce any effects similar to what Demi Moore experienced in The Substance, nor are we aware of any way to become a “teen wolf”. The CDC also does not have any knowledge on whether teen wolfs actually are amazing at basketball, so if you are considering teen-wolfing yourself, please know that a robust scientific consensus regarding a link between being a teen wolf and the ability to execute thundering tomahawk dunks does not exist.

Don’t drink wiper fluid, ever. Come on people, work with us here.

Putting a glow stick up your ass does not fight bowel cancer. In fact, no credible cancer treatments involve inserting a household object into your rectum. As a public service, the CDC will continue to publish our “So You’ve Ruptured Your Colon By Inserting a Foreign Object” web page, but as a matter of public record, we can categorically state that stuffing random, often pointy objects into your anal cavity is not an effective health measure.

Eating an animal does not give you that animal’s powers. So, for example, if you were to consume a siamese cobra, you would not be able to spit a powerful cytotoxin up to ten feet to paralyze prey. Consuming rhino meat does not give you a dense hide and the strength of 50 men, and that remains true even if you consume the entire rhino. And, to be clear: There is nothing you can do to or with an animal that will give you its powers — not eating it, not french kissing it, and definitely not copulating with it. That remains true whether you are the “top” or the “bottom”. Please remember that the CDC is a group of dedicated professionals committed to providing information about emerging health threats, and we do not have time to answer inquiries about which sex positions will confer an animals’ powers to you, which we receive with alarming frequency.

We hope that these clarifications will prove unnecessary. During his confirmation testimony, RFK Jr. promised to be guided by science, and we take him at his word. We look forward to working with the Secretary to Make America Healthy Again. We hope that further clarifications regarding teen wolves, anal insertions, and bestiality will not be necessary, but we’ve also come to accept that we need to be prepared in the event that they are.

For the lawyers: This was a bit. “Deniz Güneş” photo by Kaboompics.

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