Liberals are furious about President Trump’s openness to receiving a jet valued at $400 million from the royal family of Qatar. After ABC News reported that Trump planned to receive the gift during a trip next week, the left wing outrage machine kicked into high gear. Adam Schiff called the corruption “brazen”, Chuck Schumer sniffed that the plane offered “premium foreign influence with extra legroom”, and Ritchie Torres wrote a letter to the Government Accountability Office asking them to review the case. NPR empaneled a group of “ethics experts” who opined that the gift violated the Emoluments Clause, even though the plane will belong to the Air Force while Trump is in office and the Trump Presidential Library after his term expires.
The outrage is as intense as it is hypocritical. Because none of the Democrats complaining about this so-called “unprecedented” breach of ethics ever complained about the $2 billion “Chamber of Erotic Delights” gifted to Jimmy Carter by the Saudi government in 1979. Most people don’t even know that the chamber existed — a quick search for “Jimmy Carter Saudi-funded masturbation pod” proves how little coverage the mainstream media has given to this issue. But the story of the chamber — commonly referred to as the “Masturbatorium” by Carter’s inner circle — is similar to the Qatari plane in virtually every way, except for liberal reaction to two incidents.
In 1979, Saudi dignitaries visited the White House, ostensibly to discuss “energy issues”. According to the official White House account of the meeting, Carter gifted the Saudis a leather-bound collection of the works of Herman Melville, and the Saudis gave Carter “an enclosure in which the Earthly limits of self-pleasure may be greatly expanded, if not eliminated entirely”. The gift clearly exceeded statutory limits on gifts to the president, and also required extensive renovations to the West Wing; Domestic Policy Adviser Stuart Eizenstat lost his office to the project and spent the remainder of Carter’s term working from a makeshift office in a supply closet. Still, the mainstream press barely mentioned the incident: The lone public mention of the gift was a one paragraph story on page A-19 of The Washington Post titled “President Given Special Room in Which To Nut”.
Most of what we know about the room comes from a 1998 Drudge Report interview with Jesenia Diaz, a former cleaning woman at both the White House and the Carter Presidential Library who is thought to be one of only a handful of people to have ever entered the room. According to Diaz, the room consisted of a single leather chair in the center of a dome on which images could be projected, similar to The Sphere in Las Vegas. The chair appeared to be capable of rotating and elevating, and seemed to be molded specifically to the contours of Presidents Carter’s nude body. Though we can only speculate about what was projected onto the dome, the system did not appear to be powered by conventional video systems: Before entering the room, Presidential Carter was often seen to insert a softball-sized crystal into a receptacle in the chamber’s exterior, at which point an otherworldly female voice would say “EXPERIENCE SELECTED”, and throbbing music would begin emanating from inside the chamber. President Carter was known to keep the crystals in a steel briefcase that he carried with him at all times.
Liberals are furious over Attorney General Pam Bondi’s decision to clear the Qatari gift. But the liberal establishment has had little to say about Carter Attorney General Griffin Bell’s similar decision about the pod. In his memoir, Chief of Staff Hamilton Jordan said that Bell was “apoplectic at first” about the gift, but that a late night meeting between Carter and Bell seemed to smooth things over. Bell signed a finding that the gift was “proper according to the letter and spirit of the law” on the same day that he was seen entering the chamber using the jewel-encrusted key that the Saudis had presented to Carter. White House Secretary Tabitha Stronk later told The New York Post that she often saw Bell enter the room while Carter was away from the White House, though Carter’s travel was greatly reduced after receiving the room.
When Carter exited the presidency, the room was relocated to the Carter Presidential Library in Atlanta at Carter’s personal expense, though the move was concurrent with a lavish Saudi donation to Habitat For Humanity. Throughout the ‘80s and ‘90s, Carter made improvements to the room, at one point contracting the effects team at George Lucas’ Industrial Light and Magic to make alterations. It is from this work that we get a rough valuation of the room: In a self-published blog post from 2012, former ILM engineer Benjamin Kirk said that the room was filled with “beyond next-gen technology, truly sci-fi stuff, easily worth $1 billion and probably closer to two.” Kirk provided a detailed description of so-called “erogenous climate zones” and a schematic of a device referred to as a “wank vortex”, and added that he was “taking a big risk violating [his] NDA” but that “the world needs to know what [he] saw.” Kirk promised to reveal more details about the room, but the day after his initial post, he died mysteriously in a boating accident. No information about the room has surfaced since.
Most liberals don’t even know about the room. It is a testament to the bias of the mainstream media that anyone might read this account of well-established facts and think that they sound like comedy. Liberals may be shocked to learn that Jimmy Carter took a ten-figure gift from a foreign government to embark on a space-age-technology-fueled, decades-long project to probe the outer limits of onanism, but he did. And the fact that not everyone knows that proves that the media’s hypocrisy has bred ignorance.
Anyone criticizing President Trump’s possible receipt of a Qatari plane who has not also publicly denounced President Carter’s foreign-funded spank space is a hack and a fool. Let no one decry Trump’s plane who has not done the shame for Carter’s orgasma-dome; may the New York Times devote the same number of column inches to the Qatari gift as they did to President Carter’s cum closet, which is to say: zero. Our nation’s laws must be applied consistently. And only in a world in which President Carter didn’t receive an ultra-modern stroke suite from the Saudis would the Qatari plane not be an egregious violation of the law.
For the lawyers: This was a bit. You might be thinking “Jeff, do you need this disclaimer? Could anyone possibly think that any of this is real?” And the answer is: Yes, I do need this disclaimer, because every time I write one of these absurdist pieces, I hear from people who think that it’s real.
Jimmy Carter's Obituary, but With Jokes
Jimmy Carter, America’s first and last president to ever go by “Jimmy”, passed away Sunday at the age of 100. The cause of death was a cocaine overdose.
Holy shit those links...😀😀😀
Jeff, like all members of the liberal elite, you give the Whigs a pass. Why didn’t you mention that collection of opium pipes and double-ended dildos that the Bey of Tunis gifted to Millard Fillmore?