“Don’t take Tylenol.” I said that at my press conference. RFK Junior was there, he’s doing a great job, and he’ll tell you: This is bad stuff, this Tylenol. There are studies — millions of them, some of the most…best, greatest studies anyone’s ever ever seen — showing there are problems. Mothers take these things, and their kids — yikes! You do not want to see these kids.
The doctors and scientists…the so-called experts…promoted by the failing New York Times, and other places that are full of lies, full of lies and hatred for Trump, are telling you this stuff is fine. “There are scientists,” they say, “other scientists than the first scientists, and they don’t agree that Tylenol is bad — ‘take it by the handful!’” they say. But it’s bad, very bad. “How do you know?” they say. Well here’s how I know: Tylenol made me like this.
When I was born, they’d give pregnant women anything. “Here, have some cigarettes,” they’d say, “Enjoy your flipper baby” — do you remember the flipper babies? They were on TV, with the arms — they play ping-pong with their feet, it’s incredible — but they’ve got arms like little chicken wings, very sad. And my mother — she always had a big thing of Tylenol, it was like a mayonnaise jar — big thing of Tylenol in the cabinet. And now I’m like this, and you’re telling me that’s a coincidence? No. No coincidence. No way.
And I’ve been taking this stuff my whole life. My whole life — “Headache? Here, have some Tylenol. Bam.” — and now look at me. I didn’t used to talk like this. Watch me in the ‘80s: I’m not exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but my thoughts — now these thoughts get in my head and it’s just bing-bong-bing-bong, all over the place. I can’t even…the other day, I had soccer players — they were from Team Italy, but they had Black guys, I didn’t even know there were Black guys in Italy, but Italy has Blacks now. So these Black Italian guys are in the White House, and they had just won the…Super Bowl of Europe, Europe World Championship, whatever it is…and they’re just there for a photo and I start talking about transgender. And the transgenders in women’s sports, and Biden. And I turn to one of these Black Italian guys — some of them were white — and I ask “what do you think?” And he’s like “They just told me to stand here” — he maybe didn’t speak English, I’m not sure. And the other day I said I ended the war between Armenia and Cambodia — did you see that? Armenia and Cambodia — I said it twice! Two times…Azerbaijan is what I was going for! Doesn’t sound like “Cambodia”. Austria and Australia, that’s one thing, but Cambodia and Azerbaijan…something is very wrong here, folks.
…
So anyway, that’s Tylenol.
And all these people saying “No, it’s fine. You shouldn’t say that about Tylenol, because the experts” — the same experts who said tariffs would fail, but look at us, $50 trillion in investment and the fastest growth in the history of the planet. “You shouldn’t say that,” but I tell them: “Look at me. Look at me and listen to me — how can you say it’s fine? I’ve been taking this stuff — if there was any chance at all, one in a million — any chance that Tylenol is behind this, would you take the risk?” Look at me. Look and listen. This isn’t normal aging — normal aging is losing your keys and calling Sydney Sweeney “Sweety Seinfeld”. I’ve been taking Tylenol and now I’m like this so what more proof do you need?
I don’t need studies. I don’t need scientists at the CDC — which hates Trump, they all hate Trump — saying “Oh we did a longitudinal double-blind triple bypass blah blah whatever study.” I can’t even understand those words. I DEFINITELY will not understand what the study said. But I know what I know, and I took Tylenol, and now anything that’s not food, boobs, or Fox News makes me scared and angry. And even some food — I saw an artichoke the other day and was like “Get that the hell away from me. Somebody kill it.”
So how do I know this about Tylenol? Because I’m a Tylenol — I’m one of the Tylenol people. You can’t say that we don’t have a problem. It’s not just me — 70 million people voted for me, think about that. 70 million people saw me and thought “seems fine” — this is a national emergency. Maybe the scientists, with their test tubes and microscopes — maybe the don’t have enough microscopes, I don’t know — maybe they don’t think they can say “Tylenol causes this or that. Get us more microscopes! We can’t say.” But if I’m what could happen, then ask yourself: Are you really willing to take that risk?
For the lawyers: This was a bit. There will be people in the comments section reacting to this as if it’s real — which is amazing — but it’s a bit.
If Only There Had Been Signs That RFK Jr. Is Nuts
Some Senate Republicans are regretting their vote to confirm RFK, Junior as head of the Department of Health and Human Services. John Barrasso of Montana says he is “deeply concerned”. Thom Tillis of North Carolina noticed that Kennedy’s statements don’t match his actions. And Bill Cassidy of Louisiana had this question:
Trump Held a TV Meeting to Show How Government Works and Now I’m an Anarchist
***Hey! I plan to do Komedy Klass next week, so please send your incisive social commentary/dumb bullshit to komedyklass@imightbewrong.org. One piece will be picked to serve as the jumping-off point for a discussion, and the others will provide jokes for me to steal.
“And don’t get me started on escalators. The UN maintenance man, big strong guy, came up to me with tears in his eyes and said “Sir, I had a headache this morning a took a Tylenol before coming to work. Next thing you know, the escalator stops working the minute you stepped on it.”
So many brilliant lines in this one!