[UNLOCKED] Ten Fans to Watch for at the World Cup

The world's drunkest, orneriest morons are coming together!

***Hi! This article — written during the 2022 World Cup — represents the end of my little half-vacation. I’ll be back in the comedy mines on Monday, with a new article on Tuesday.

The World Cup promises to be a dazzling spectacle of athletic skill. It also promises to be a gobsmacking display of anti-social dumbassery, as the world’s most obtuse idiots will have their in-stadium antics broadcast to billions around the globe. People on every continent will cringe with embarrassment as their countrymen cause perceptions of their country to be set back decades, if not centuries. While much has been written about the players who are likely to capture the world’s attention at the tournament, not enough has been written about the fans who will do the same. Therefore, here are ten fans to watch for at the 2022 World Cup.

Ian Dixon, England

Soccer brings countries together, and nowhere has this been more true than in England, where the entire nation has united to try to sweep Ian Dixon under the rug. Still reeling from the memory of soccer hooliganry that dogged England for decades, the Football Association, Parliament, and the British crown united for a “Stop Ian” campaign targeted at the East Midlands civil servant. For more than a year, “Stop Ian” ads have been ubiquitous in British media, with celebrities including Adele, David Beckham, and Sir Ian McKellen encouraging people to “kick Ian out of football”. Every Premier League match this season has begun with players uniting behind a banner that reads: “Fuck you, Ian”. The Paul McCartney/Elton John “Ian is a Tosser” concert at Wembley Stadium sold out within minutes. Credible sources allege that Queen Elizabeth’s last words were “keep that shithead out of the stadium,” presumably referring to Dixon.

Sadly, the campaign seems to have fallen short, as Dixon was apprehended by Qatari authorities during half time of the opening match, having allegedly mooned the Emir of Qatar and headbutted a police horse.

Antônia Vega, Brazil

Five-time champions Brazil are famous for two things: Dazzling football and scorching-hot female fans wearing next to nothing who dominate mid-game cutaway shots. Antônia Vega is determined to make her name via the latter. Inspired by the story of Pam Anderson being discovered during a Canadian Football game, Vega will stop at nothing to gain the attention needed to launch her modeling career. She plans to arrive at the Brazil-Serbia match wearing a thong that’s essentially a green-and-yellow eye patch, along with pasties and a hefty dose of body glitter. As soon as the opening whistle blows, she’ll present her surgically-enhanced buttocks like a baboon in the heat of mating season. Should the world feed fail to find her within 30 minutes, she intends to oil up her substantial breasts and swing them in a clockwise motion until she sees herself on the jumbotron. Should that fail, she will lay in the stadium aisle and strike a series of poses that Larry Flynt would find immodest. If necessary, Vega stands prepared to completely disrobe, force her way past security, and lie behind the goal, legs up, while stretching apart her labial folds as Neymar lines up a penalty kick. Such is her determination to appear in Maxim.

Cody “Goose” Goosen, United States

Despite having previously dismissed soccer as “kinda faggy”, the Dubai-based, Princeton-educated Credit Suisse employee will be lured to Doha by fourth-row tickets provided free of charge by his employer. Delighted to find a strong Wi-Fi signal in Khalifa International Stadium, Goosen will spend the first half of the USA-Netherlands round of 16 match posting Instagrams with captions like “USA-Holland — DEAD ASS FIRE, KID!” and “So close I can see the highlights in Westin O’Kenney’s hair!!!” When Christian Pulisic scores a 30-yard screamer in the last minute of extra time to send the US to a legendary 5-4 victory, Goosen will be captured on the world feed responding to a work e-mail, completely devoid of emotion. Despite having witnessed one of the greatest matches in US soccer history, Goosen will remember the experience as “a D-minus networking event and total poon desert.”

Mpho Zwane, South Africa

Even though South Africa didn’t qualify for this year’s tournament, and even though vuvuzelas are about as popular world-wide as rectal bleeding, Zwane plans to attend several matches in Qatar with a vuvuzela in tow. The plastic South African horn — which produces a sound not unlike a thousand bears farting into a canyon — has been banned from matches in what proved to be FIFA’s only popular decision of the past 20 years. Nonetheless, Zwane plans to don crutches and hide the vuvuzela inside a leg brace like he’s Carlos The Jackal sneaking a rifle past French security. Once inside, Zwane will flit about the stadium boisterously blowing his horn and narrowly avoiding vicious beat-downs from annoyed fans. The South African will spend the knockout stages of the tournament in a hospital after a group of surly Aussies manage to get 3/4 of the horn up Zwane’s ass.

Andrej Pavlovic, Serbia

Stunned by Qatar’s last-minute decision to ban the sale of alcohol at games, Pavlovic will overcompensate to disastrous effect. Terrified by the prospect of attending a game while sober, Pavlovic will spend the hours before kickoff attempting to get so drunk that even if the match goes to extra time an penalty kicks, he will remain smashed. Unfortunately, in the course of imbibing twice the amount of alcohol that killed John Bonham, Pavlovic will lose consciousness and spend the entire match passed out on the floor of Applebee’s Central Doha location. Upon coming to, he will stumble into a cab and deliver instructions that result in the cabbie driving him to eastern Oman. Unable to pay his $1,600 cab fare, Pavlovic will spend the rest of the tournament working off his debt in the service of Omani warlords, thus missing Serbia’s Cinderella run to the final.

Francois Amadou, Cameroon

Determined to show his colors as the ultimate Cameroon fan, Amadou will paint himself head to toe before slowly realizing that the paint covering every inch of his body is toxic. In the hours before kickoff, Amadou will revel in the festival-like atmosphere while dismissing the noticeable drop-off in his energy level as an effect of the Qatari heat. He will enter the stadium wondering if he’s contracted Covid but determined to press on. When the Cameroonian anthem plays, Amadou will be on his knees violently vomiting into the men’s room toilet. Most Cameroonians will remember December 2 as the day they overcame a two-goal deficit to upset Brazil, but Amadou will remember it as the day he survived dual kidney failure while Qatari doctors frantically sponged green paint out of his ass crack.

Meghan Markle, United States

Holy shit: Could you imagine if she showed up at the USA-England match and cheered her ass off for the USA? God damn that would be awesome. It would be such a middle finger to England, but as far as I can tell, middle fingers to England are this lady’s bread-and-butter. Plus she absolutely has the ovaries to sit in Sam’s Army and do the thunder clap while 56 million English curse her name, because she clearly stopped giving a fuck years ago. This probably won’t happen but I’d also say that we can’t completely rule it out.

Karl Beversdorf, Argentina

Arguably the #1 fan to watch out for in any tournament, the 100 year-old German-born Argentinian is being actively pursued by authorities in the Hague. Thought to be living under an assumed name in Buenos Aires, Beversdorf — a.k.a. “the Butcher of Bratislava” — has evaded authorities for decades. Should he appear on the world feed, immediately contact the International Criminal Court.

Chikorita, Japan

I’ve been trying to catch this little green fucker since 2016. He’s one of the rarest Pokemon Go characters and slippery as hell; I once ditched a friend’s weddings in the middle of the vows because one was spotted in central New Jersey. Of course, by the time I got there, someone else had caught him. I feel like my chances of nabbing this leafy bastard have improved since basically everyone stopped playing Pokemon Go five years ago, but if his little verdant ass shows up at a game I swear to God I’ll hop a plane to Qatar and nab him with an Ultra Ball.

Blepp Smather, Switz…uh, no, let’s say France

This inconspicuous Swi — I’m sorry, French — fan might be found observing the goings-on at any number of matches. Despite being an impartial observer with no apparent stake in the tournament’s success, he may appear to be obsessed by the question: Was staging the tournament in Qatar a good idea? After all: The heat forced the tournament to be played at the wrong time of year. And the whole thing is crammed into a city the size of Houston. Qatar has no real soccer tradition, has never qualified for a World Cup, and they looked terrible in their opening match against Ecuador. The government’s last-minute 180 on alcohol sales highlighted the hazards of being subject to the whims of an autocratic regime. The allegations surrounding the treatment of migrant workers are shocking, and many gay fans surely chose to stay away from the tournament. Is this — Smather might wonder — a gigantic fucking disaster? Does it, perhaps, demonstrate the greatest failure of leadership in sports history? These are questions that unassuming soccer fan Blepp Smather can’t help but ponder.

Photos courtesy of (from first to last): Richard Clifford, linos88, Alvin Caal, Phil Whitehouse, Sergei F, Jake Brown, Budiey, Marllon Cristhian Barbosa, David Madison (Getty), Asian FC

---