What Would the Left-Wing Equivalent of Trump’s UFC Event Look Like?
Alternate universe trolling
I’m not a big “sanctity of the White House” guy. Maybe it’s because I came of age when Bill Clinton was going full Jackson Pollock on the Oval Office walls and Obama was committing impeachment-level fashion crimes with his egregiously taupe formal wear, but I’ve never cared too much about the White House. And that’s why I was surprised that Trump’s White House Ultimate Fighting Championship event rubbed me the wrong way.
Why did it bother me? I think it’s partly because the event mixed several things that don’t go together. I love sports, I love Americana even more than a European experiencing the splendor of Buc-ee’s for the first time, but I also want my sports, commerce, and symbols of American history separated. For comparison: I love standup comedy, but if someone asked me to do 20 at The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, I’d know that that event doesn’t belong at that spot and say “absolutely not” (unless they paid me, like…800 dollars).
But I think my main issue is that the fight was basically a campaign event. It was on Trump’s birthday. Several of the fighters thanked President Trump, one placed a gold chain around Trump’s neck, and the event was organized by long-time Trump supporter Dana White. Unlike most White House events, which get a lonely, dinky writeup in The Hill, this was broadcast on CBS and Paramount Plus, networks that — in an incredible coincidence — had their acquisition by a Trump ally approved by the Justice Department just this week. So, two Trump allies used a public venue to enrich themselves while producing a high-profile event in which Trump was treated like a mix of Julius Caesar, Chuck Norris, and Christ. Also, this happened:
As many have noted: If Obama had done something like this, Fox News would have called for him to be killed with farm implements. Which got me wondering: What would the left-wing equivalent of Trump’s UFC event look like? What high-profile production built to flatter the progressive base and tweak the American right could a future Democratic president stage on the White House lawn? I thought for a while, and I came up with this:
Allow me to describe this show-stopping musical, which would air around the clock on MS Now the way TBS plays A Christmas Story all day on Christmas. Lena Dunham and co-stars Mark Ruffalo, Neil Young, and Rosie O’Donnell use puppetry and completely-unnecessary nudity to tell the story of how the Normandy invasion was actually carried out by transgender women of color. Featuring a score by Sean Penn and choreography by Danny Glover, this four-hour-long, mostly-improvised musical performed first in English, then Spanish, then Arabic re-centers D-Day on the nonbinary, neurodiverse, mostly-wheelchair-bound soldiers that history so often ignores.
And the second act contains a twist: A German general says “I must notify headquarters!”, and then he contacts…The White House!!! Cut to: FDR (Laverne Cox) and Hitler (an Asian dwarf in his first major role) in the Oval Office, smoking cigars and cackling. In a provocative commentary on ableism, FDR is not disabled but Hitler is, though FDR yells “I’m dyslexic!” several times. The two talk about how their end-game is to perpetuate food deserts to immiserate communities of color, and then they discuss Hitler’s latest super weapon: data centers. The play raises the provocative question: Who were the real Nazis? The Nazis, or the people who went to war to defeat the Nazis? Think about it.
You may have noticed that in my pursuit of comic hyperbole, I’ve described an event that no living human would enjoy. Which means that it’s not the mirror image of Trump’s event, because UFC is popular. The two events are really only similar in that staging the Lena Dunham thing at the White House would make people think “What in the name of Zeus’ ballsack is happening here?”
The real mirror image of Trump’s event would be an Obama-era performance of Hamilton — that would be popular but mostly appeal to the president’s base. And something like that did happen: The Hamilton cast visited in 2016 as part of an education yada yada whatever initiative and performed a song. The differences were: 1) There was no special construction — they were in the East Room (“the room where it happens”…get it?!?!?!), 2) The event wasn’t televised, not even on C-SPAN, which will often air footage of an empty lectern, and 3) Nobody accused Laura Bush of having a secret penis.
Every White House hosts cultural events, but only Trump took things so far that the line between cultural event and publicly-backed campaign ad got blurry. Presidents host sports teams, cultural events, and the Thanksgiving press conference where the president pardons a turkey (and the turkey then proceeds to commit a triple-homicide). But if big, televised events become the norm, then we’ve normalized the president using public land for private purposes — lawyers familiar with the Hatch Act, take note. Trump will get away with this because he gets away with everything. But if we let events like this become a normal part of the presidency, then we probably won’t like where that leads.