When I Said "We're All Going To Die", I Meant "Soon"

By Joni Ernst

Photo by Gage Skidmore.

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Recently, I made waves when, during a town hall meeting, I responded to an audience member’s concern that Medicare cuts will cause people to die by saying “Well, we all are going to die.” I expanded on my comments in a social media post, but that hasn’t lessened the uproar. The liberal media are determined to twist my words and portray my position as something that it’s not.

So, let me be clear: I was not being flippant about that audience member’s concerns. Nor was I viewing a serious issue through an abstract lens. I was making a key point directly relevant to the conversation: We are all going to die. Not at some distant point in the future — imminently. I’m talking weeks, if not days. Why are we fighting about Medicare when the Reaper is at our doorstep?! We are all going to be worm food tout de suite, folks! And it seems like that really should override some pedantic point about Medicare.

Liberals are cynically trying to make hay from my remarks. Activists, social media crusaders, and the lamestream media are portraying me as callous and out-of-touch — the progressive spin machine is going full throttle! They want you to think that I don’t care about people losing health insurance; they’re trying to turn this into a “let them eat cake” moment though misrepresentation and deceptive editing.

But none of that changes the fact that we will all be taking a dirt nap in the very near future. That seems important to me, so that’s what I chose to talk about. If you ask me, the audience member was the one being callous — she wanted to bicker about Medicare while the End Times are barreling down on us like a freight train! I’d argue that the conversation should have changed when I said “we’re all going to die”, but we just kept right on quibbling about work requirements. REALLY??? You want to cite a study the Urban Institute instead of, say, getting your Last Rites are hugging your kids? I think you’re the one who’s sick! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, FOLKS!!! NONE OF US WILL SEE JULY!!! I don’t know how much more clearly I can say this.

And to further clarify: I don’t know exactly how it’s all going to end, I just know that know that humanity becoming a big pile of bones in short order is a statistical inevitability. Have you read the news lately? Turn out the lights, the party’s over, people. We put the dumbest guy in charge of the most powerful country, and he’s interacting with leaders who are on the short list of History’s Greatest Monsters. What kind of Bambi-eyed simpleton would think that this might end well? If you were on an airplane being flown by a labradoodle, would you think “maybe it’ll work out”? No — you’d accept your fate and make peace with your maker. I don’t know what will ultimately get us — it could be a pandemic, a nuclear war, or something from the Grab Bag Of Unforeseeable Events — but something will get us, and soon. Real soon. So soon that I’m frankly surprised that you’re even able to read this right now.

Let me be honest: I only showed up at that town hall because I was looking for prospects for a threesome. I’ve never had a threeway, and it seems like now’s the time to make it happen since vultures will be picking at my carcass before the milk in my fridge expires. If you detect some annoyance in my voice in that clip, that’s why: I’m trying to scout the meeting for potential down-to-clown talent and some lady is yammering on about Medicare. Shut the fuck up, Florence Nightingale! You can’t see the lady in the clip, but she’s a “hard pass”, so every syllable that she speaks is keeping me from arranging one last trip to the bang buffet before everything goes to shit. So, yeah: I was a tad curt. My only regret is that I didn’t say “We’re all going to die, so shut your pie hole so that I can talk to that prime cut fuck fillet standing behind you.”

No one seems to have noticed that I’ve been saying “we’re all going to die” pretty much everywhere I go for the past several weeks. I said it to John Thune on the Senate floor, I said it on like 20 different podcasts, and it was at the top of the invitations I sent out for my We’re All Going To Die Soon Pleasure Potluck. Does the media report that? No — they report on the one time that my words can be distorted to sound callous. But I have been unambiguous: We are all going to die. Imminently. Don’t bake banana bread, people — armageddon will arrive before you finish the loaf! That’s the message that I’ve been conveying clearly and consistently, no matter how much the media might twist my words to make it seem like I’m saying something else.

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