Where’s This Shadowy Cabal of Business Elites I Keep Hearing About?
Time to spring into action, guys!
Tomorrow, Trump will implement a major new round of tariffs. He’s calling it “Liberation Day”, probably because he’s going to liberate your 401K from having any value. The plan is largely the brainchild of Trump — who really puts the “child” in “brainchild” — and Peter Navarro, who is to economics what Captain Crunch is to naval strategy. The tariffs will lead to higher prices, which is ironic because some people voted for Trump because they thought he would lower prices, and economists told them that he wouldn’t but they voted for him anyway, and that’s why I recently moved all of my money into schadenfreude futures.
Basically nobody in business or economics wants this. The stock market has been tanking as people slowly wake up to the horror that Trump might actually not be bullshitting for the first time in his life. I find it stunning that this might happen — it’s such an unforced error. And I’m wondering: Where the fuck is this shadowy cabal of business elites that I’m always hearing about? You know: The behind-the-scenes puppet masters who secretly run the economy and the world? The far left and far right both constantly tell me that they run the world, so…where the fuck are they right now? Shouldn’t they be protecting their business interests so that they can go back to cackling maniacally while they light a cigar with a $100 bill?
I am unabashedly Team Evil Cabal right now. They are exactly the bloodthirsty profit-mongers we need to step in and restore sanity. I’m told that they only care about the profit and are positively ruthless in pursuit of their interests. And I think that sounds lovely — let’s do that, how do I vote for these people? Do they even need my vote — haven’t they been pulling the levers of our Shamocracy this whole time? But if that’s true, then why don’t they pull the “don’t tank the economy for no reason” lever? I hate to be a back-seat rapacious profiteer, but that’s what I’d do if I was stealthily manipulating the global economy from a secret lair beneath the Denver airport.
Where are the evil corporations? They’ve got supply chains spread across the world, so why don’t they do some House of Cards shit and murder and manipulate their way back to profitability? Many, many books whose covers feature a globe dripping with blood assure me that they’ve got that shot in their bag. And what about the hedge fund managers — weren’t they controlling everything as recently as the Great Recession? I was very recently informed that nothing I do matters because of the confluence of money and access enjoyed by the Global Elite. Well: The Global Elite are taking it hard in the b-hole right now! Seems like an all-powerful Machiavellian conspiracy would — at a minimum — say “Whoa, take it easy back there, would ya?!?!”
Plus, at the risk of putting too fine of a point on things: Aren’t you supposed to have special access to our profit-maximizing shadow government if you’re Jewish? I’m not Jewish, but my wife is, and I keep showing her our portfolio and saying “Isn’t there someone you can call about this?” Isn’t there some secret number — 1-800-U-MENSCH or something — that gives you a direct line to the Rothchilds so that they can form a Kosher Votron with George Soros and Miriam Adelson and do whatever needs to be done? MANY FRINGE RADICALS TOLD ME THAT THERE IS, but apparently, there isn’t. Or there is and my wife just won’t tell me about it.
If there is a shadow network of business interests manipulating global commerce for selfish purposes, then they fucking suck at what they do. I’ve seen better behind-the-scenes power broking in a remedial kindergarten. Any halfway-competent secretive clique of evil overlords would have nipped this in the bud long ago — this is fucking amateur hour. The Illuminati and secret lizard government must be laughing their asses off at these clowns. Next time I go to the polls, I’m going to vote for whichever candidate promises to restore the unelected, resoundingly evil coterie of secretive vulture capitalists that has served our nation so well for so long.
Should We Take the Machete Away From the Toddler?
I’ve lived through a few recessions. One was caused by a pandemic. One was caused by a housing bubble. One was caused by people suddenly realizing that it’s insane to give massive checks to any Stanford dropout who puts “Internet = future = profits” on a slide deck. If we’re headed towards a recession — and it increasingly looks like we
I think you meant “Kosher VOLTRON?”
You dishonor our country’s storied naval tradition by mis-titling a decorated officer.
He is Cap’n Crunch, not Captain.