Whoops: That Was a Menu for EPSTEIN'S DELI on My Desk

By Pam Bondi

Photo by Chip Somodevilla via Getty.

MAGA land is obsessed with the so-called “Epstein files”. This trove of documents related to Jeffrey Epstein — especially his alleged “client list” — is thought to be the smoking gun that will expose a cabal of rich and powerful sex abusers. MAGA land was ecstatic when I told Fox News in February that the files were “sitting on my desk right now”. Finally, the predatory men who join in Epstein’s abuse and then plotted his murder would be exposed! Or, so some people thought.

On Tuesday, the Justice Department concluded that there was no client list and that Jeffrey Epstein killed himself. This is consistent with previous law enforcement findings. The questions remains, though: Why did I say that the Epstein files were “on my desk”? Was it because I was afraid to puncture the delusions of the paranoid shut-ins who are an important part of the Trump base? Not, it’s not that. The truth is that what I thought was the Epstein files turned out to be a menu for a local restaurant called “Epstein’s Deli”. Whoopsie. My bad, everyone — talk about Mistake Town, population “me”. I thought I had evidence of an international conspiracy, but it turned out to be a promotion for an eatery offering sandwiches, paninis, and soups made fresh every morning. Egg on my face, table for one, am-I-right?

I really thought it was the Epstein files, specifically his client list. I mean: It said “Epstein” right at the top!!! The Justice Department was looking for the Epstein files, and then something showed up on my desk with “Epstein” on it in big, red letters; I guess I got tunnel vision. Though honestly, I can’t even believe they’re still calling it “Epstein’s Deli” — shouldn’t Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes have sparked a name change? You wouldn’t have “Dahmer’s Taqueria” or “Pol Pot’s Pizza Palace”. I honestly kind of feel like this is Epstein’s Deli’s fault.

I also thought I was looking at the client list because it seemed to start with a name: “Reuben Sandwich”. That sounds like a guy. And sure, “Sandwich” would be an unusual last name, but the sandwich was named for the Earl of Sandwich, so I feel like anyone could have — nay, probably would have — made the same mistake I did. Also, Cole Slaw could be a name, and so could Herb Dressing. And there were sandwiches named for celebrities! It did strike me as odd that Barbra Streisand and Liza Minnelli might be implicated in a child sex trafficking ring, but these documents were thought to be explosive, so anything’s possible. I would have figured out what was going on if the menu had been all philly cheese steaks and Southwest chicken paninis, but this was a remarkably deceptive menu, and I honestly wonder if Epstein’s Deli did it on purpose.

And while I’m on the topic: Remember in May, when I said that I had a top-secret communique from the Chinese Military? That turned out to be a menu from Lucky Dragon Takeout Pagoda. I thought it was a message from a high ranking Red Army official named General Tso’s Chicken (maybe his mom’s last name was “Tsos” and his dad’s last name was “Chicken” and they hyphenated it, like Joseph Gordon-Levitt). Also, the “possible solution to the debt crisis” I touted was just an offer from Master Card, and the “terrorist death threat” was a Christian Children’s Fund solicitation written in the voice of a Somali child. I should probably stop putting my mail on my desk next to my work, or at least read the mail before I make public statements about it. But hey: I’m new to the job. And I’m really having fun being Attorney General, which is all that really matters.

So, yeah: Whoopsie daisy! I said I had the files, and then had to admit that they don’t exist — that’s a big-time “D’oh!” But MAGA need not worry: I’ll continue to try to track down the Epstein files. Some people think that six years of investigations repeatedly finding the same thing is proof that there is no vast conspiracy; I think it’s merely proof of just how far the conspiracy goes. The Trump administration will always cater to MAGA’s concerns, no matter how much those concerns are clearly the delusions of a miscalibrated mind. And if we have to stammer, delay, and outright lie for years if not generations to stay on on Maga’s good side, then that’s exactly what we’re prepared to do.

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