I Have Ordered the Immediate Declassification of All Government Snowmobiles Related to Jeffrey Epstein
By Donald Trump
Everyone’s talking about Jeffrey Epstein. Even though he’s dead, and when alive was a LOSER. We should be talking about how we’re the NUMBER ONE COUNTRY, gas prices and food prices have NEVER BEEN LOWER ANYWHERE IN HISTORY. But we’re talking about Epstein, even though the Epstein files were cooked up by Obama, and they don’t exist, and Obama and Crooked Hillary are GUILTY in them anyway.
I’m tired of this HOAX. So, to put this to rest once and for all, I have ordered the IMMEDIATE RELEASE of all government snowmobiles in any way related to Jeffrey Epstein. All of them. Any snowmobile, snow machine, motorized sled, pretty much anything the government owns that has a motor and skis will be totally public. Anyone can look at them and see that I have no connection to any government Jeffrey Epstein snowmobiles. And then let’s all move on.
The government owns snowmobiles (Alaska!). If any of them are connected to Epstein, we’ll know. And if you’re thinking “what could a snowmobile tell us about Epstein?” — how should I know? I didn’t know Epstein. And I don’t know about snowmobiles because I’m not a pedophile. This is a WITCH HUNT!!! Maybe YOU’RE the pedophile! You have a lot of questions about Epstein and snowmobiles and what one has to do with the other…seems SICK. I don’t know about anything going on here, I’ve never rode a snowmobile, I didn’t know Jeffrey Epstein, there are no Epstein files, what’s a “file” when you think about it, and I’VE NEVER EVEN BEEN NEAR SNOW!!!
It’s not just snowmobiles: I am also ordering the release of any and all government cellos, surf boards, stovepipe hats, pinking shears, and industrial cement mixer parts in any way related to Jeffrey Epstein. We’re getting it all out there. Hula skirts, soccer balls, Chinese finger traps, vintage collectible 1950s lunch boxes, copies of The Berenstain Bears and the Missing Dinosaur Bone, pickaxes, shoelaces, and those old-timey bikes with a really big front wheel — if the government has ANY OF THOSE THINGS that are in any way connected to Jeffrey Epstein, they’ll be made public. There nothing more we can do after that. That’s everything, that’s all the objects. Once this stuff is out there, this is OVER.
I have also ordered the release of all government documents relating to anyone with these names:
Jeffrey Eckstein
Jeremy Epstein
Jesse Elpsteen
Jimmy Eggstew
Jorky Eepstop
Jazzy Epstreet
Jimpy Pepstein
Pepfrey Jeffstein
Felfrey Feffelstein
Hunter Biden
This will put everything to rest. I have NOTHING TO HIDE, which will soon be clear. CNN and the FAILING New York Times can look at the vintage Hopalong Cassidy lunchbox from 1956 that once belonged to Jimpy Pepstein all they want, they’ll see that it has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN!!!
We’re not hiding anything. OBAMA was hiding something, he’s the one who cooked up the RUSSIA HOAX and should be in JAIL. I have NOTHING TO HIDE, and if I have to release every government flyswatter, baby bjorn, recumbent bicycle, corncob pipe, throw pillow, and copy of the classic 1986 video game Ikari Warriors related to Jeffrey Epstein to clear my name, then that’s what I’ll do.
Five Times I Sided with the Bad Guys in Movies
Every story has a protagonist and an antagonist. We imagine ourselves as the protagonist — even if that’s total horseshit — and the antagonist is the subject of our ire. The antagonist is the proxy for every selfish and pig-headed a-hole who stands in the way of our righteous march to awesomeness.
Former career prosecutor here. Just want to reaffirm what every reader here already suspects: the grand jury records will illuminate absolutely nothing. The purpose of the grand jury is simply to establish probable cause (translation: a more than fifty percent likelihood) that crimes have been committed by the defendant. In practical terms, this means that the government is obligated to present the most threadbare, stripped down version of the case it intends to present at trial. It’s also a non-adversarial proceeding. Even if Epstein procured hundreds of young girls for Trump’s depraved pleasure, there would no reason or legal basis to reference Trump by name during the grand jury presentation. These corrupt scumbags Bondi, et al) obviously know this. You should as well.
We must release the Snowed-In files, just to be sure