“I Might Be Wrong” Will Exclusively Cover Sydney Sweeney’s Breasts Until This National Crisis Passes

All other news must wait

Aug 12, 2025

*Main photo from American Eagle, other photos from the tax haven, kds8404, Cristian Ramirez, the Holocaust Encyclopedia, and militarymark2007.*

On July 23, our nation was rocked by a once-in-a-century event: A jeans company put a pretty lady in their commercial. Much like 9/11 or the JFK assassination, no one who lived through this calamity will forget where they were when they heard the news. In the future, “Anno Domini” may be replaced by “Post-Sydney Sweeney American Eagle Commercial”, as the latter will surely be a more salient divider between “before” and “after”.

I Might Be Wrong has, regrettably, been derelict in our coverage of this event. It is to our great shame that not a single word on this blog/podcast has been devoted to the cataclysm. But as the national dialogue around Sydney Sweeney’s possibly-fascist breasts approaches its fourth week, I Might Be Wrong is determined to correct the error. From this point forward, we will not only exclusively cover Ms. Sweeney’s heaving boobage: We will cover it with a rigor and zeal unprecedented in the history of news. Kiss our asses, Woodward and Bernstein; go eat a dick, Ghost of Walter Cronkite — nothing in the annals of journalism will hold a candle to our immersive, round-the-clock coverage of Ms. Sweeney’s thought-provoking, arguably eugenicist sweater cannons.

First: No coverage whatsoever will be given to any story until the national crisis wrought by Ms. Sweeney’s Louvre-quality funbags has concluded. I Might Be Wrong will not waver on this point. Earth could be invaded by aliens, Trump and Obama could square off in a Mortal Kombat-style death tournament, Christ could return to Earth, date Kim Kardashian, and then barbecue her and eat her live during the Super Bowl halftime show, none of it will receive a single syllable of coverage on I Might Be Wrong while questions about Ms. Sweeney’s bazongas remain. I Might Be Wrong’s staff has been ordered to probe only stories about Ms. Sweeney’s bra beasts under penalty of torture.

Second: All of I Might Be Wrong’s resources will be devoted to covering this vital story. At great cost to this publication, we have bought out the contracts of the last ten Pulitzer Prize winners in Investigative Reporting; five will be assigned to cover Ms. Sweeney’s left breast, and five will be assigned to cover her right breast. I Might Be Wrong veteran reporter Jacob Fuzetti has been assigned to sit in the dumpster outside Ms. Sweeney’s house and keep us apprised of any trash-related developments. And Steve Kornacki has been poached from MSNBC and will now man the I Might Be Wrong Real-Time 3D Big Data Boob Board — welcome to the team, Steve!

*Round-the-clock coverage from the IMBW Real-Time 3D Big Data Boob Board is available on the IMBW Boobgeddon ‘25 app.*

It’s not just people; I Might Be Wrong is marshalling the most cutting-edge technology available to cover this story. Open AI has given IMBW access to a proprietary version of Chat GPT 6, and we have fed it billions of pictures of Ms. Sweeney’s honkers so that it may provide insight about the societal and economic implications of said coconuts. A team of IMBW commandos recently stole a highly-classified prototype of a cleavage-detecting SONAR device from the Pentagon in a heist that left seven dead. IMBW scientists have used COAX cable to connect Doppler Radar to a quantum computer to a Playstation 5 to a margarita machine; we’re not sure what that might do, but there’s a chance that it will revolutionize the news business as we know it.

I Might Be Wrong will illuminate every aspect of this story. We will tirelessly explore the cultural, economic, and foreign policy implications of Ms. Sweeney’s love pillows. We will pay hundreds of historians millions of dollars to put the hooters in proper context. We will dig up Christopher Hitchens and Gore Vidal and create monstrous, decency-defying clones from their DNA just so they can debate the philosophical and religious implications of her boisterous bazooms. And we will only publish opinion pieces that take as a given that this is the most consequential issue to face humanity since the Black Death. We will never publish any opinion that questions the importance of this story; we will never, ever run a column that says anything along the lines of:

What the fuck is wrong with us? Look at what happened here: A few faculty lounge post-Marxist idiots posted some braindead horseshit on IrrelevantLeftyClaptrap.com. The Fox News Outrage Machine — desperate as always for something to piss their pants over — covered this festival of dumbassery like it was D-Day and the moon landing combined. This sparked a “dialogue” on social media between America’s maladjusted lefty psychopaths and rage-fueled right wing bird brains, and instead of dismissing all this as the Cage Match Of Shit-Covered Morons that it very obviously is, the so-called “legitimate” media used it as an excuse to post a billion pointless articles using Sydney Sweeney thirst trap pics as clickbait.
Which makes me wonder: Is this country just hard fucked? I’m as tired of Trump as the next person — I realize that there are only 1) People who are outraged by everything Trump does, 2) People who are outraged by nothing Trump does, and 3) People who just want to eat Twizzlers and ignore the whole thing — but shouldn’t we make SOME effort to stay focused on what matters? Does this whole stupid dustup suggest that America, generally, is either incapable or unwilling to grapple with tough questions, and has decided to retreat to the warm cocoon of dumb celebrity bullshit? It would be one thing if this was standard TMZ pablum — that’s always around — but a shocking number of people are trying to treat a goddamned jeans commercial as some kind of important cultural touchstone. Which strikes me as a clear admission that the grown-up world scares these people, and they are therefore choosing to retain the interests of a midwit 15 year-old.

I Might Be Wrong will never publish any opinion along those lines. And we swear on the lives of our children that will cover this story with the fearless determination of the Spartans at Thermopylae until it has concluded.