Maybe Trump Just Played "The Settlers of Catan" With Epstein's Sex Trafficking Victim

We can't know what they did

Today, House Democrats forced the release of an email that Ghislaine Maxwell sent to Jeffrey Epstein in 2011. Here’s the message:

The revelation that Epstein was surprised by the police’s lack of interest in Trump, and that Epstein claimed that Trump spent “hours at my house” with one of Epstein’s victims seems shocking. And yet, there’s a lot that the email doesn’t say. Most notably: What happened when Trump was allegedly alone at Epstein’s house for hours with a young woman whom Epstein had lured into sex work? Did Trump and the woman play Mario Kart? Do some light gardening? Maybe there was a cutesy rom-com-type situation where they tried to bake a cake, but it came out wrong, and when Trump — donning a chef’s hat and apron — took the cake out of the oven, the sex trafficking victim laughed, and all Trump could do was shrug like “What are you gonna do?!” We truly can’t know.

There are many innocent reasons why a late-middle-aged man might hang out alone at a sex criminal’s fuck palace with a presumably attractive young woman. Young women — especially teenagers — are famously engrossing conversationalists. All of us have found ourselves in a conversation with a teenager and thought “Wow, I wish this could happen all the time!” Young people are wise and thoughtful, and cerebrally inclined adults often seek out their perspective. Ask anyone to name the most attractive part of a post-pubescent young person, and the answer will immediately come back: “Their mind.”

Trump allegedly spent “hours” with the young woman. So, it wasn’t the quick “Hey, how’s the Tamagotchi?” stop-and-chat that you might have with a young person in the ‘90s/2000s. What could the two of them have done for hours at Epstein’s house? Here’s where we have to let circumstances dictate what we believe — though don’t definitively know — to be true. This alleged interaction (or interactions) between Trump and one of Jeffrey Epstein’s victims took hours and must have occurred in the ‘90s or 2000s. Epstein was surprised that the police had not taken an interest. I’m connecting the dots…I think it’s highly likely that Trump and the victim played at least one and possibly several games of The Settlers of Catan.

The strategy board game The Settlers of Catan was released in 1995…ALL THE PIECES FIT, PEOPLE!!! A game typically takes 1-2 hours, though a game with fewer players takes longer, and it seems to have been just Trump and this woman alone in Jeffrey Epstein’s house. Also: Epstein was extremely rich, he could have easily afforded a copy of Catan, and he even probably had enough money for the deluxe 3D “Dragons and Adventurers” edition. If you’re confused as to why the police might be interested, then you’re obviously not familiar with the high-stakes, off-the-books (and often Mafia-run) Settlers of Catan tournaments that are common in the Florida underground. It’s frankly irrational to assume that anything else occurred given the mountain of evidence pointing to one or several Catan-based encounters between Trump and this sex worker.

Skeptics will try to discount my theory on the grounds that you can’t play Catan with only two people. “Catan is for 3-6 people — it says so right on the box,” they’ll say. These people are amoral, lying motherfuckers — you really have to wonder if someone got to them. 3-6 people is merely a recommendation, you can easily play with two people by setting up two neutral players who begin the game with two settlements and two roads or by lowering the victory point goal to eight and rolling a second die that causes the robber to move on 1 and 2. I feel like I remember Trump talking about this in one of his stump speeches (can anyone find that clip?). And if you’re wondering why Trump seemed so desperate to keep these emails secret, I think the answer is obvious: He must have lost. Trump hates to lose. It really is time for us to accept the Occam’s Razor explanation of what occurred.

I’m open to alternate theories of this alleged encounter. Maybe Trump and a sex worker actually played Ticket to Ride, or even collaborated on a game of Roller Coaster Tycoon. Again: There’s a lot we don’t know. But the evidence is piling up, and at this point, anyone who thinks that Trump spent several years palling around with Jeffrey Epstein and interacting with the young-and-sometimes-underage woman who were at his mansion but didn’t engage in any strategy-based board games whatsoever is being willfully ignorant.

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