I Have Hired A "Disabled" Columnist Who Will Probably Never Write a Column

Meet the newest member of the I Might Be Wrong team

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I Might Be Wrong is pleased to announce a new addition to our staff: Cameron Este is our new columnist covering health and well-being. Cameron will join Ethan Coen, our Junior Assistant Film Critic, Jacob Fuzetti, an award-winning war correspondent who covers Hollywood gossip, and Paula Fox, who writes about tech issues and the naughty MILFs who will be joining her live on webcam to dine on her sopping undercarriage.

Cameron’s credentials are impeccable: He recently graduated magna cum laude from Stanford with a double major in Journalism and Nutrition Science. Of course, I wish I had hired him after I had read Rose Horowitch’s Atlantic article about disability inflation at top universities. Horowitch’s eye-opening finding is that disability claims have skyrocketed at elite universities: The number of students claiming disability at the University of Chicago has tripled in eight years, and it’s quintupled at UC Berkeley in 15 years. Most of the “disabilities” involve lightly-scrutinized claims of sometimes-blithely-diagnosed conditions like ADHD, anxiety, and depression, and they generally require accommodations like receiving extra time on tests or being allowed to use otherwise-prohibited technology. Astoundingly, 38 percent of Stanford undergraduates this year are registered as having a disability.

Immediately after being hired, Cameron informed me of the flotilla of maladies he possesses that require accommodation. He has ADHD, anxiety, dyslexia, autism, hypertension, a gluten allergy, shape blindness, and Stage 4 Restless Leg Syndrome. He has something called “Sarcastic Bowel Syndrome”, which is apparently when your digestive system responds to certain foods by flooding your brain with sassy put-downs that shatter your self-esteem. He has a wallet full of cards that say things like “I am having a seizure, please keep me away from sharp objects” and “I am experiencing echolocation hypersensitivity, please strangle any bats or dolphins that come near me”. I don’t know how he’s supposed to quickly find the right card in an emergency, especially since he apparently suffers from Sudden Onset Digital Paralysis, a.k.a. “finger narcolepsy”.

Cameron’s list of self-reported maladies was immediately followed by the list of changes that I need to make to accommodate him. He cannot be made to work in environments that contain loud noises, artificial light, or humidity. There is a Noah’s Arc of support animals that I have to accommodate, including an emotional support rabbit, a stress-therapy warthog, and a sports psychology komodo dragon. And, of course, Cameron requires extra time for assignments: Each malady carries a “multiplier” that Cameron says mandates expanded deadlines according to timelines in the Americans With Disabilities Act. The effects “stack” — so one multiplier is applied after the others — and if I’m running the numbers right, I can legally only require Cameron to produce a column once every 146 years.

“That’s a problem,” I told him. “We’re a daily newsletter — I need you to write.” Cameron handed me a doctor’s note — which was signed by someone named “Doctor Quantum, Multidimensional Healer” — and told me that Stanford understood that he had medical conditions that had to be accommodated. “Well, you’re not at Stanford,” I said, “This is a business with deadlines, and if you can’t meet those deadlines, you’re no good to me.” Before I had even finished the sentence, Cameron’s self esteem rooster had dialed his lawyer, and I was served with a suit charging “emotional genocide” within the hour.

I don’t think that Cameron’s claims about the Americans With Disabilities Act are correct. Unfortunately, when I contacted I Might Be Wrong’s legal counsel to set the record straight, I was informed that my counsel was out-of-office for the Zoroastrian holiday of Maidyarem, which apparently runs from December to March. So, I guess I’ll have to take what Cameron says at face value. I certainly don’t want to fight with him, because his physical safety baboon bares his incisors at me whenever I question one of Cameron’s claims.

I probably should have vetted Cameron’s disability claims before I hired him. I feel especially bad because my second choice was a Ukrainian refugee whose legs were blown off by a Russian landmine — I didn’t know any of that because her application and Zoom interview were all about how she could make I Might Be Wrong a better publication. I’ll probably also have to fire Jacob Fuzetti so that I can pay Cameron, but these are things I need to do in the name of compassion. I certainly don’t want to discriminate against someone with a disability. So, I guess the empathetic thing to do is to drive I Might Be Wrong to bankruptcy accommodating every last one of Cameron’s disability claims on the off chance that one of them happens to be real.

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